A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again (p.105).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
This quote alludes to a connection between bulimia (the desire for food but not calories; chewing but not digesting) and pornography (the desire for closeness but not vulnerability; having but not belonging). But as the parallel is developed, it should be construed as the male (lust) and female (body image) version of the same problem. In recent years the struggles of men with eating disorders and women with pornography have both risen significantly.
Rather each is a version of wanting the reward without the risk with a different pleasure. Both are forms of pseudo-comfort which in the end bring greater shame, isolation through secrecy, and life disruption. Both leave the individual feeling fake and unable to relate to others because of perceived inadequacies exacerbated by fixation on physical appearance.
Lewis hits on the key point – “you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself.” Elevating one aspect of any pleasure over the others and seeking to make that aspect compensate for the whole (the binge eating of bulimia or erotic stories associated with pornography), leaves the individual in a dangerously imbalanced condition.
Let me illustrate with an unrelated example. In high school, I sustained a significant ankle injury playing baseball. It required crutches and significant rehab. After several weeks of ankle exercises I got to the point that my injured ankle (left) was stronger than the other. But I was still limping as a means of self-protection.
The doctor told me, “You have to stop limping. If not, your left ankle will not be prepared to take the sudden weight shifts that happen in athletic events. By limping now you’re preventing the ankle from getting used to the full weight transfer, which is different from the muscular and ligament strength we’ve been building.”
Someone who struggles with bulimia or pornography may have an attractive figure, good social skills, and many friends of the opposite sex. Many are perfectionistic over-achievers. But they are limping (hiding) their authenticity about insecurity. Hence while their performance may be strong in key areas, they are not prepared for the vulnerability (the equivalent of sudden athletic moves of everyday relationships).
Isolated pleasure (food without calories or sexual gratification without intimacy) creates a character imbalance that results in a moral failure. With each moral failure, the “limping” becomes more logical and “needed.” If I had not stopped limping and injured my ankle again, I would want the self-protection of limping even more.
We must see the danger in picking apart the pleasures God designed for us to enjoy; as if we can reconfigure them and make an “improvement.” We are not picking undesired toppings off of a pizza. It is more like we are taking chips out of a computer and hoping it will still work. The more its performance lags, the more we tinker. Let us recognize that God’s pleasures come as wholes and ask Him for the courage to embrace them as He has designed them.
Posted 4 months, 3 weeks ago at 11:14 am. Add a comment
In Our Affliction (1:4)
I am often struck by one prevailing assumption of Scripture that we often miss (largely because many of us disagree with it) – the people of God knew one another’s business. A large reason we cannot (or do not) apply much of the biblical teaching about overcoming our struggles is because we insist on making application in private. That is the equivalent of trying to perform a “Three Stooges” routine with only one actor.
As Paul talks about receiving comfort for life’s struggles, he assumes these struggles would be shared with the church. This is the only way “those who have received comfort” from God could every share that same comfort with someone who is currently struggling.
To this it is often rebutted, “You do not have to be a part of a church (or open with fellow believers) to be a Christian.” I agree. But I would respond, “You also do not have to have a home to be a human, but I have not met many (any) healthy, homeless humans.” Our goal is not mere survival (getting into Heaven), but living the healthy Christian life God designed as a living testimony to God’s wisdom and goodness so that we can offer that hope (comfort) to others.
Application: Do not wait until you are in a crisis to start being uncomfortably honest with fellow Christians about your life. Whatever self-consciousness or pride that keeps you from accessing the comfort and guidance of God’s people is a tool of Satan in your life; a foothold specially designed for your destruction. In order to correctly apply Scripture, you must believe that private, isolated Christian faith is necessarily anemic and contrary to God’s design.
That We May Comfort
(BCH_2Cor_1_handout for Printable PDF Handout)
II Corinthians 1:3-5 implies that Christians should be excellent at giving comfort. We all suffer in a world that is broken. We have a Father who is full of mercy and comfort. We share the comfort we have received. The problem is that in our impatience, insecurity, or idealism Christians are often not skilled at giving comfort.
Consider the following suggestions as ways to increase your ability to share the comfort we receive from God.
- Listen – you are offering comfort not answers. How often does Scripture ask us to pray? God listens to our struggles. If we are offering God’s comfort to one another, then we should be eager to listen. When we listen we do not merely learn what has happened to our friend, but how our friend is making sense of what happened. If we are going to comfort we need to know both facts and interpretation.
- Incarnate – your presence means as much as your words. How many times does God say “I will be with you”? Suffering makes us feel awkward and alone. Having someone near counter these two emotional lies (awkward “your suffering makes you unacceptable”; alone “no one cares”). God put the Truth in flesh, so should we.
- Identify – you are not comparing suffering but relating stories. This is not saying “I know exactly what you feel. I have been there.” It is saying, “I have had my faith shaken by hardship too. Your questions, fears, or anger are rationale. When the time is right we’ll try to figure out if they’re true.”
- Be Moved – you are not their Rock but their friend. A stoic response does not usually comfort. If you can hear someone’s suffering without being moved you either do not get it or have no heart (from their perspective). Jesus allowed Himself to be moved by the pain of those around Him.
- Speak Biblically, Yet Tentatively – you do not “know” God’s working in their small story but only in The Big Story. Be careful how emphatically you declare that you know what God is doing in this situation. Give general truths about suffering at a pace they can be received. It is possible to kill a patient with the right treatment, before he is ready to receive it.
An Honest Example (1:8)
These are surprising words to hear from the apostle Paul, “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.” They are even more surprising when you consider they are in the introduction of a letter where Paul is defending the legitimacy of his teaching and ministry against false teachers who were challenging Paul’s authority.
Paul shows us two important things in this verse. First, a teacher must follow his own instruction. If Paul was going to tell the Corinthians to be open and receive comfort in their affliction (v. 3-5), then he must model the same vulnerability. Second, godly human authority should not hide its own weaknesses. Too often we have applied a leader’s qualification to be “above reproach (II Tim 3:2)” as being “most hidden, secretive, or off limits.” This is another Christian paradox “strong” does not mean “without weakness.”
Reflection: Paul was more concerned with following his teaching about how to deal with life’s struggles than he was with putting up a front that he was perfectly keeping the standard of God that he proclaimed (i.e., “do not be anxious about anything” Phil 4:6). Why do you think Paul was more concerned with modeling God’s methods than in hiding his struggle to live up to God’s standards? How do you think this effected (for better or worse) Paul’s defense of the legitimacy of his ministry (II Cor 10)?
Introduction to the “Living Our Faith” series.
TOOL: “Using Prayer Time to Cultivate Ministry”
BLOG POST: “Teachers Equipping Ministers Through Prayer Time“
Posted 1 year, 6 months ago at 12:31 pm. Add a comment
For the Common Good (12:7)
We tend to think of our gifts as our own (to do with as we please, they were given to us after all). Scripture challenges this mindset in two ways. First, we own these gifts in the same way that children “own” the presents they give to their parents. The present was purchased with parents’ money. We have “spiritual” gifts through the indwelling Holy Spirit (I Cor 12:11) by the Father who bought us from slavery to sin by the death/resurrection of His Son (I Cor 6:20). Let us thoroughly enjoy the gifts, but never forget whose they are.
Second, the gifts were given for a reason – to bless the Body of which we are a part. Any other use of the gift is dishonoring of the Giver. The very fact that God gives us gifts to bless others shows God’s heart to free us from our inherent selfishness and self-centeredness (Luke :23-24). If you do not know what your spiritual gifts are, begin by looking at the ministry needs of your local church. If God gifts believers to be a part of the Body and you are not currently using your gifts (because you do not know what they are), you can expect to find a vacancy in your area of gifting.
Reflection: Do we have the “mind of Christ” necessary in order to rightly receive and use the gifts God has given us? Can you relish a gift that was primarily to bring you joy by blessing others? This will be examined further under the heading “All Rejoice Together” below.
Application: Give your kids a gift at Christmas or on a birthday to share with others. This need not be their only gift. For younger kids the gift and recipient should be very concrete (a box of food to deliver to the food bank). For older kids the gift and recipient can be more abstract and require more creative engagement (a gift card to be used to minister to others).
All Suffer/Rejoice Together (12:26)
While this initially may sound like a very “nice” thought, it requires something that can be quite uncomfortable – openness about life’s hopes and challenges. People cannot properly rejoice together unless they know each other’s hopes before they’re realized. People cannot suffer together unless they invite one another into their hardships.
In a physical body this is easier. If my ankle hurts, my whole body knows it. If I am trying to learn to juggle, my whole body is aware of the dream. However, in the spiritual Body of Christ, we can hide if we want to. Many of us want to. Others of us lack enough concern for our fellow believer to even notice what is not being said. Quite a few Bible study groups are so formal that “suffering” or “rejoicing” questions rarely get asked. You can tell this is the case when people apologize for bringing up a more personal request for help or say “I hope this is o-kay” when they share a more personal praise.
Application: Read the blog post “Teachers Equipping Ministers Through Prayer Time”
Reflection: Do you view vulnerability as a “good word”? Consider the following definition of vulnerability. Vulnerability is a willingness to share any part of my life, joys or struggles, when my sharing can glorify God, edify a fellow believer, or serve in the process of evangelizing an unbeliever. How does that definition help you see what “healthy vulnerability” would look like?
Earnestly Desire the Higher Gifts
(BCH_1Cor_12_handout for Printable PDF Handout)
Saying that there are “higher” gifts does not mean that God plays favorites. It does mean the God has a purpose in using people. God’s ultimate purpose is not our joy. God’s goal in gifting individuals is that we would take joy in seeing more people accurately know and enjoy Him. Some gifts or certain usages of a particular gift accomplish this purpose more broadly than others.
Secondly, we can see that we get some voice in our gifts. We are to strongly desire higher gifts. God wants us to have contentment without satisfaction in ministry. Our great goal in life is to influence as many people as possible as deeply as possible for God’s glory.
Consider the following questions as you seek to “earnestly desire the higher gifts.”
- What spiritual gifts do you have?
- Where and how are you using them?
- What priorities do you need to focus on and what sins do you need to avoid in order to be a clean instrument for God?
- Who have you seen use similar gifts effectively? What can you learn from them?
- Where would you see your gift influencing more people if given the opportunity?
- How could you enhance the depth of influence you have where you currently minister?
- How often do you pray for God to fan into flames the gifts God has given you (II Tim 1:6)?
Using your spiritual gifts boils down to having a passion to see God glorified as you influence others to find their joy in God. Live life as a scavenger hunt looking for the opportunities to accomplish this.
Introduction to the “Living Our Faith” series.
TOOL: “Using Prayer Time to Cultivate Ministry”
BLOG POST: “Teachers Equipping Ministers Through Prayer Time“
Posted 1 year, 7 months ago at 12:20 pm. 1 comment
To many vulnerability is a four letter word. To others it is just a scary word. For some it is a word without a meaning. However, being vulnerable is necessary if we are going to love. Love is not safe, because it requires that we give part of ourselves to another free, fallen human being.
With that being said there is both healthy and unhealthy vulnerability; wise and unwise. Unfortunately, no where in Scripture do we get a formal definition of vulnerability with a practical application guide.
As close as we get (in my opinion) is the Beatitudes. In this portion of Scripture Jesus describes key relational characteristics of his followers. This article serves as an 8 day devotional which takes you through each beatitude (one per day) looking at four key points:
- A description of the beatitude
- An examination of the benefits of the beatitude for healthy, wise vulnerability
- Thoughts on how to implement this beatitude in your life to grow in vulnerability
- Reflective questions to help you examine where you are currently in relation to this beatitude
To download the entire article click here.
Posted 1 year, 8 months ago at 12:32 pm. Add a comment
We have all said it, and we all sigh when other’s say it. “Failing to plan is planning to fail.” I want to offer you a year’s plan for meaningful conversation and prayer with your spouse in 2010.
Don’t read “meaningful” to mean deep, serious talk-talks. The goal of this document is to provide a balance of playful, reflective, appreciative, flirty, confessional, planning, and romantic conversations with prayer topics that build on that day’s theme of conversation.
As you follow the guide, feel free to chase rabbits. It is not meant to be a script, but jumper cables. If you think of yourself as one who struggles with conversation, put these pages where you dress in the morning. That way you can review the “subject of the day” and think about it on your commute or during a break. This way meaningful conversation will not “put you on the spot.”
Hopefully these pages will eliminate the pressure of initiation and creativity in communication, so that you and your spouse can spend 2010 knowing and being known by one another in new, exciting, satisfying, and refreshing ways.
Click here (Brad_Hambrick_MarriageTalks_2010) to download the 2010 marital conversation and prayer guide.
Posted 2 years, 1 month ago at 3:29 am. Add a comment
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
– Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Most Christian parents have considered these verses. The application can too often be reduced to, “We should talk about God and the Bible a lot.” This is true, but if left there can result either in multiple prolonged monologues or guilt for not knowing what to say. A second common application is that, “We should decorate our homes with biblical stuff.” This too is true, but if left there our homes can become a VBS crafts museum.
This post seeks to give one example of how to apply the two principles discussed above. There are many other applications that could be made and I encourage families to be creative.
CRAFT: Get three bowls and place them on the kitchen table. Fill the first bowl with pieces of an old towel cut into small pieces and tied with a ribbon. Fill the second bowl with small plastic hearts or pictures of hearts printed on the computer. Fill the third bowl with small plastic shields or pictures of a shield printed on the computer.
TOWEL: The towels represent service. The towel is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family voluntarily serves someone else. Use your concordance to find verses on service. Print these verses and tie them to the small pieces of towel.
SHIELD: The shield represents a lack of defensiveness. In difficult communication we are faced with the choice to protect others or defend ourselves. The shield is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family resists a natural opportunity to be defensive or deceitful. Use your concordance to find verses on other mindedness, confession, honesty, integrity, and vulnerability. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the shields.
HEART: The heart represents tender, active listening. Whenever someone wants to show love to another member of the family by listening they should ask, “May I hold your heart?” While they listen they should hold the heart with an open hand. Once they have been able to accurately summarize what they have heard, they then return the heart and say, “Thank you for sharing your heart with me.” Use your concordance to find words on love, listening, and compassion. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the hearts.
By placing these bowls on the dinner table, the family will frequently remind themselves of these important foundations of healthy communication: service, lack of defensiveness, and sincere listening. By placing Scripture with each item, there is the opportunity to highlight the Bible being lived out in the family’s life—this allows the blessing of Godly communication to be captured “in the moment.”
Young children will enjoy being able to collect the various tokens. Parents should take the opportunity to model the principles of each token before their children in role play. Parents should also role play conversations with each of the children. After role playing tokens should be passed parent-parent, parent-child, child-parent, and child-child. The goal is to give the family “eyes to see” good communication—too often we only pay attention to the negative. Also, after discipline in which one of these principles was violated, the parent should discuss how the towel, shield, or heart would have made things different.
As you use this tool, you will get to know the strengths and weaknesses of each family member. Some will have many towels and another will have lots of hearts. This is a great opportunity to celebrate the strengths of each family member. It is also an opportunity to discuss having a balanced character.
If this tool proves to be an effective way to disciple your family, you can use it with other virtues. First, identify the virtue that needs extra attention in your family. Second, select a positively conotated object to represent that virtue. Third, research Scripture passages that speak about that virtue. Fourth, explain to the family the new object and role play its enactment.
I would not advise using an incentive system for this tool (i.e., ice cream for the first person with five shields). The reward for this tool is the peace, affection, and unity it brings. This is not a race or competition. If it has to be “enforced,” then you are dealing with a matter of discipline not instruction. This tool is merely a tool of instruction (hopefully with a cute motivational twist).
The goal for this exercise is to bring Scripture application to life and create a positive context for seeking Christ-like character and expressions of love within the family. If it allows for enjoyable and creative discussions of biblical principles that tend to be abstract, then it has achieved its purpose.
Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 2:17 am. Add a comment
Communication is hard, especially “in the moment.” It is one thing to be convicted by a sermon on the power of the tongue or the way our words reveal our heart. It is another thing to be “in the moment” with your spouse (child, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, enemy, etc…) and to have the awareness, self-control, courage, and humility to acknowledge what is ruling your heart and change the direction of the “discussion.” That is the purpose of this article, to help you “in the moment.”
The battle begins with awareness. You must be able to answer the question: what is it that consistently rules your heart? Do not say, “Nothing.” Whenever we sin, we are loving something more than God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. In addition, we are loving something more than our neighbor—usually self. It is fair to say that for most people this “something” usually orbits around a particular theme: peace, respect, affirmation, appreciation, fairness, order, predictability, status, power, influence, affection, etc…
If this is a new thought for you, or if you have trouble identifying your “something,” take this opportunity to read Ken Sande’s excellent article “The Heart of Conflict.”
Once you know your heart theme, you are a step closer towards being ready “in the moment.” The next step is to humbly confess to your spouse that this is the theme of much of your sinful actions during conflict. If you are unwilling to confess to your spouse when you are calm and “out of the moment,” it is unlikely you will repent and change when this theme has activated your defensiveness and self-justification. This confession might sound something like this:
“Snoochums [or your preferred pet name], I have recognized that when I sin against you in conflict it is usually because I want appreciation [or your “something”] more than I want to honor you in that moment. Appreciation is important, but not more important than treating you with love and honor. When I raise my voice, call you names, give you the silent treatment, distort your words, walk away, change subjects abruptly, make false accusations, and things like that [make statements that reveal your conflict patterns], I am punishing you to try to get appreciation [or your “something”]. That is both wrong and ineffective. I am committing to trying to see and acknowledge that in the midst of our future disagreements.
Now that you have your “something” (as Ken Sande would say “idol”) identified and acknowledged it to your spouse, you can put your imagination to work. What object best represents this “something” to you? There are no right answers here, so long as the object is not offensive or inflammatory. For our case study moving forward we will say there is a husband (Bill) whose “something is order and is represented by his PDA and a wife (Sue) whose “something” is affection and is represented by a heart-shaped pillow.
Bill and Sue have a conversation that begins to go nowhere fast. Bill remembers his confession above and asks Sue to sit at the table for the talk. They acknowledge their thematic idols, commit to honor one another in the conversation, and say a quick prayer for God to give them awareness of their own hearts as they work towards unity and agreement.
Bill goes to get four items to bring to the table: two copies of a picture of them as a couple, his PDA, and a heart-shaped pillow. Each spouse sits down with a copy of a picture in their hand and their item on the table in front of them. The rules are simple. If either begins to communicate with dishonor (raised voice, calling names, silent treatment, distort the other’s words, walking away, changing subjects abruptly, making false accusations, etc…), they must put down the couple picture and pick up their “something.” This is visualization of their heart at that moment. In that moment of dishonor, they are discarding the marriage for their desired “something.”
If they pick up their desired object, they are faced with a choice: repent or harden my heart. Hopefully they will see the sinfulness and foolishness of their choice. Neither order nor affection will be attained through dishonor. As they see this, the offending spouse should put down their object, repent to his/her spouse, pick up the picture again, and ask to resume the conversation.
Once the conversation is culminated the couple is ready to see the Gospel in their marriage (Ephesians 5:32). However, culminated does not mean resolved. The conversation may have only reached a stopping point or a point of agreed mutual reflection. But it did so with honor.
Here is the Gospel in this moment:
And he [Jesus] said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:23-25 ESV)
Bill and Sue have denied themselves and been willing to lose their life (or at least that “something” they had centered their life upon). At this point, Bill can pick up that heart-shaped pillow, hand it to his wife with a hug and a kiss, and affirm to her that he has loved her as himself. Sue can pick up Bill’s PDA, hand it to her husband, and affirm to her husband that their marriage is moving towards a place of sustainable order. In their willingness to die to self and lose their life they have saved what is most precious. In effect, this process of conflict resolution can be as much a picture of the Gospel as baptism or the Lord’s Supper. We can see the Gospel enacted and participate in the drama (that is what an “ordinance” is) in our homes with each conflict.
This is hard! But it is worth it! It is the battle between our flesh and the Spirit (Galatians 5: 19-26). But this methodology gives us tools to allow biblical insight to bear fruit “in the moment” of conflict. Acknowledge your heart to your spouse. Place your heart on the table in the midst of the conflict. As the conflict unfolds, maintain honor so that the two of you can encourage one another with the Gospel truth “whoever would loses his life for my sake will save it.”
Posted 2 years, 8 months ago at 7:54 pm. 3 comments
