Guest Post by Ashley Peterson, Small Groups Associate at The Summit Church
I grew up in a youth group that just loved to separate the guys and the girls to talk about gender-specific issues. Now, if you want my unsolicited opinion, there are few things in life that are more distracting to a teenaged girl than sitting in a room wondering what all the boys are talking about across the hall.
Especially when the girls were being told the same thing over and over and over again. Inevitably, a slightly awkward older woman in a pajama-esque pant suit would spend approximately forty-five minutes attempting to charm the uninterested as she prattled on about what was apparently the weightiest issue facing our walks with Christ: the way that we dressed.
A group of impressionable young women in jeans would listen as she warned us not to dress like five-dollar hookers, because the animals masquerading as young men across the hall only wanted one thing. Now if we were really lucky, she might admonish us all to view ourselves like Jesus did—as delicate tea cups instead of paper Starbucks cups [can I get an amen? Anybody?]– but the bottom line always seemed to be what not to wear.
Interestingly, no one ever pulled her aside to tell her to leave her pant suit in 1978.
Across the hall, the boys were talking about sex. They were talking about the dangerous allure of pornography, of just how tempting it was to have sex before marriage, the sinful nature of masturbation…these boys were being equipped to fight the battle like the men that God had created them to be.
But no one ever talked with my friends and I about any of that. Delicate tea cups can’t handle those sorts of things, I suppose. Unfortunately, a generation of tea cups grew up steeped in the subliminal message that sexual sin is something that only men struggle with—but never women.
If you’re a woman reading this, you just rolled your eyes. You know all too well the battle being fought in the hearts, minds and bedrooms of the women that fill the sanctuary every Sunday morning. I’ve struggled with it, my friends have struggled with it, the women in my small group struggle with it…ladies, shall we let the boys in on our secret? Hold onto your hats, gentlemen: we have sex drives too.
The problem is, we don’t talk about that in church. While the men are being warned and equipped, we are quietly sitting on the sidelines, pretending to be unaffected and unconcerned as the battle rages on.
As a church, it is imperative that we debunk the dangerous myth that sexual sin is an exclusively male problem. Women struggle with masturbation. They struggle with pornography. They wrestle with the desire to have sex before marriage, and so many of us live with the crushing weight of guilt that comes from losing a battle that we were never equipped to fight. And it’s not the pant-suited lady’s fault; the responsibility for our sin is our own.
Ladies: you are not alone. It’s time for us to recognize the severity of the problem, and to combat our sin like the women God created us to be. Let us be the generation that acknowledges the battle, and fights it well.
To that end, I’d like to invite you to join me to be equipped to fight. On February 12th, from 5:00-8:00 at the Brier Creek South Venue, Brad Hambrick is going to be giving a training seminar on how to combat and deal with the ramifications of sexual sin – False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery.
Ladies, you need to be there regardless of whether or not this is a current struggle for you. You may not be actively engaged in the battle right now, but it’s a guarantee that you know someone who is. Your sister, your best friend, the girl in your small group, your husband-this is a battle being waged across our church.
Join me on February 12th, and let’s fight it together. A tea cup can’t fight, but a godly woman can!
Posted 1 day, 20 hours ago at 12:12 pm. 2 comments
This resource is taken from the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” seminar notebook (February 12, 2012; 5:00 to 8:00 pm; The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue; 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).
Lust and lying go together, almost as if they are two sides of the same coin. Both involve living in a fantasy world (artificial reality) or our own making; created to suit our own self-interest and tailored to our specific desires. If lust is ever to be broken, then the inevitable companion sin of lying must also be admitted and overcome.
“I was beginning to realize that my problems were not just sexual but revolved around a lifestyle of lying and deceit. Up until this time, had I been asked if I was a liar, I would have been offended and would have answered with an emphatic ‘No!’ Sadly, I would have believed I was telling the truth (p. 29).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen
Read Numbers 32:23, Proverbs 15:3, Job 34:21, Luke 8:17, and Hebrews 4:13. Chances are you have already experienced the truth of these verses. We lie because we believe we can contain and control the truth within the stories we tell and the information we do or don’t give. We believe we are larger than the truth rather than believing that truth in the reality in which we live and we can no more control it than we can the wind. As you read this section on lying, remind yourself regularly that honesty is not optional, only the timing and willfulness of honesty can be chosen. Truth will be known. The only question is whether your character will grow as you disclose it or whether you will live in fear and darkness until light invades your life against your will and to your shame. Pause and pray again for the courage to be honest, because truth-speaking and sexual purity are also two sides of the same coin.
Types of Lies
We begin the process of deceit by so limiting our definition of lying that none of our deceptive behavior is “technically a lie.” As long as there was some element of truth in what we said and the answer contained some relevance to the question asked, then we try to convince our conscience it can “plead the fifth” and we portray those who are dissatisfied our evasive or incomplete responses as being “unreasonable.” That way of thinking will leave you forever trapped in your sin and loneliness.
What is truth-telling? Honesty is living without secrets. Honesty is taking the risk of being known rather than the risk of getting away with it. Honesty is being able to look into the eyes of someone who loves you and being able to say, “You know me.” Honesty is being one person all the time with all people. Honesty is the freedom that freedom we are trying to find in our sin.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Mark Twain as quoted by Lou Priolo in Deception
We are going to define twelve different types of lying (modified and expanded from Lou Priolo’s booklet Deception: Letting Go of Lying; bold text only). As you read through the list, reflect instead of debating technicalities. For the time being refuse to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. If it’s questionable, it’s deceitful. Begin now loving God and loving others more than you love yourself through self-protection.
“Often the one who has fallen is a powerful person who is able to intimidate those around him or her and convincingly present a distorted view of reality, seeking to impose it on others (p. 36)… Secret-keeping allows the person to perpetuate sinful patterns. It also facilitates the sinner’s denial about the full extent of the sin and its impact (p. 75).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen
If as you read through the list you begin to feel “I can’t say anything without it being considered a lie,” then allow that thought to sober you and prepare you for the next step – Acknowledge the Breadth and Impact of My Sin (chapter two).
1. Changing Facts: This is the heading under which all “active lying” falls. Here the story is true, but key pieces of the story are changed. Example – Saying you were working on the taxes when you were looking at pornography or saying you were talking to your boss on the phone when you were talking to your adultery partner. The fact that your lies are within a true story and hard to verify gives the false impression that you will be able to control the lying process.
2. Omitting Facts: This is the heading under which all “passive lying” falls. Here the story is true, but there are “dark spots” in the story. Example – Telling what you did all day except for the 45 minutes you met up with your adultery partner, or telling about the work you accomplished on the computer except for the time looking at pornography. Often people who “omit facts” get defensive when they are called liars. But omission of known, important facts is lying.
4. False “Facts”: This is a step beyond changing facts. It involves making up an entire scenario and is a step away from a double life (lying type #5). Example – While explaining why you were not home when expected, you make up a traffic accident that delayed you by an hour. In order to explain the virus or pop ups on the computer, you make up a story about letting your co-worker borrow your laptop. Lying of this type is hard to pull off and requires the more elaborate efforts below in order to support these false “facts.”
5. False Emotion: Now you have to play the part. If your lies are true, then they would require certain emotions. If you are going to remain “free,” then you must become an actor (the role itself implies lying when the “audience” does not know its watching a “show”). Tim Chester and Steve Gallagher give common examples of what this type of lying looks like.
“The secret that you hide from your wife will create a barrier in your relationship. You may criticize her in order to feel better about your own shortcomings. You will distance yourself from her to avoid any chance of exposure… In some cases you may even pick a fight or find fault with your wife, to justify your porn use (p.24).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window
“The man who is being controlled by sin will often be overly sensitive to criticism, blowing every imagined slight out of proportion (p. 26).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry
6. False “Story”: False facts produce false emotions. Together they require a false story. Your lies are starting to create their own world in which they could be true. You are forced to try to live between these two worlds; reality won’t bend and your lies can’t break without you being found out. You and those that know you (those that are left anyway) are forced to live stretched between these two worlds. Example – What you say about the nature of your job, daily routine, spending habits, and computer activity begin to be more and more fiction.
7. Minimizing: Maybe you are “smart enough” not to take the false route. Everyone can see how that would inevitably blow up in your face. The “better” route is to not change the facts but the significance of those facts. Example – You talk about “just porn” or being “just friends.” Or, you talk about your sexual sin in coded language such as a “slip” or having a “bad day.”
Minimizing is one of the more popular methods of lying (to others and to yourself) about sexual sin. The following list of minimizing statements are modified and adapted from the works Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is), Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker in Everyman’s Battle, Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, and Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen. Mark the ones that you are prone to use to minimize or justify your sexual sin.
- Lust is no big deal (Job 31:11-12)
- A little sinful fantasizing won’t hurt (Rom 8:6, 13:14; Gal 6:7-8)
- Taking radical action against sin isn’t necessary (Matt 5:29-30; 2 Tim 2:22)
- God won’t mind a little compromise (Col 3:5-6; Eph 5:3)
- It’s my body and I can do what I want with it (1 Cor 6:18-20)
- I can’t control my sex drive (I Thes 4:3-6)
- Looking at a few pornographic pictures won’t affect me (Prov 6:25-27; Psalm 101:3)
- I won’t experience any consequences for indulging in my lust (Rom 14:12; Heb 12:6; James 1:15)
- People get away with adultery (Prov 5:3-11)
- God is keeping something good from me (Psalm 84:10-12)
- The pleasure lust promises is better and more real that God’s pleasure (Psalm 16:11)
- Fulfilling my lust will satisfy me (Lam 3:24-26; Prov 19:23)
- Too much purity will keep me from seeing and enjoying beauty (Matt 5:8; Psalm 11:7; Isa 33:17)
- If anyone finds out you’ll be a laughingstock.
- Lust is impossible to conquer.
- You’re being to legalistic.
- I’m walking with God. I just have this one little problem.
- I’m going through a difficult period in my life right now. I’ll come out of it.
- God understands that I am a man and that I have natural passions.
- I deserve to have some fun.
- I’m tired of dealing with all this pain.
- I just want to get on with my life.
- I’m not in love anymore so why honor the marriage?
8. Blame-Shifting: Maybe you accept the facts and admit how serious the problem is, but you lie by shifting the responsibility. It’s true and it’s bad, but it’s not my fault. Appendix A is an assessment developed by Nancy Leigh DeMoss which helps you see the difference between brokenness over sin and emotion of prideful people caught in their sin.
“The truth is, before a person can ever hope to overcome habitual sin, he must first be willing to take responsibility for his own actions (p. 102).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry
There are several strategies for lying by blame-shifting that are common. Mark the ones that you are prone to use in order to explain your sexual sin in a way that makes you less responsible.
- My gender / anatomy / needs – This is the common pop-psychology blame-shifting method that is even endorsed by many popular Christian authors. Example – That’s just how men / women are. I had to find a release. I had to fill my “love tank” somewhere.
“Sex addicts typically justify their actions and believe their needs must be met (p. 26).” Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy
- My spouse – This is often paired with the “needs” blame-shifting method above. The summary of this method is: If my spouse treated me the way I wanted to be treated, then I would not sin. The responsibility for honoring God is shifted from self to spouse.
“The offending spouse sometimes blames the mate or a deteriorating marriage for the affair. Poor companionship and a lack of lovemaking make a couple more vulnerable, but there is still a choice. If you leave the keys in your car and someone steals it, it is still the thief’s fault. The adulterer chose to have the affair (p. 348).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex
“If God is not enough for you, then you are creating hopes for a spouse that no one could possibly ever deliver (p. 136)… But a life without porn is not the true alternative to a life with porn. We should instead be weighing a life with porn against a life lived for God’s glory (p. 137).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window
- My history / personality – Sexual sin may be influenced by a history sexual abuse, early sexualization, or personality factors such as compulsivity (such factors will be discussed in chapter three). But to blame these factors for one’s sexual sin is a deceptive form of blame-shifting.
- Manipulation, Guilt, and Criticizing Others – Blame-shifting is a form of manipulation. Few people want to admit this, but until you do attempts to reconcile your marriage (if married) will be severely hampered. Blame-shifting is the attempt to transfer guilt from self to another person. Within a marriage this is almost always done by criticism, condemnation, or implying your spouse thinks they are better than you.
- “It Just Happened” – No it didn’t. Sin requires a sinner, just as fishing requires a fisherman. For many this is an appealing form of blame-shifting because it allows everyone to be innocent (no manipulation, guilt, or criticizing). This form of blame-shifting will eliminate any possibility of overcoming your sexual in.
- “I Was Seduced” – We are seduced because we want to be seduced. People fall for “get rich quick” schemes because they want to be rich. The salesman may be good, but people buy the product because they want the end result more than they believe the principles of God’s Word for how to attain it. In a marriage this blame-shifting tactic can be appealing because it allows you and your spouse to be “on the same team” against the other person. The adultery partner was equally to blame, but if healthy restoration is to occur they cannot be exclusively blamed.
“There are always many turning points before the point of no return (p. 89)!” Tim Chester in Closing the Window
8. “I Don’t Know”: It is legal to “plead the fifth” in a court room, but it is deceitful to do so in life. Laziness in response is not an exception clause for omitting important information. “I don’t know” if often used as a way to buy time while preparing to do a “better” job at one of the other forms of lying. “I don’t know” is also used to force the questioner to nag or badger so their action can become the focal point of the conversation.
9. Hidden Agenda: This is deception by set up. Example — You do something nice for your spouse so that you feel less guilty (without having to repent or change) and (intentionally or not) your spouse feels guilty for addressing the sin in your life. Self-pity is another common form of deception by hidden agenda. The essence of self-pity is beating yourself up over your sin in place of repentance and change. The effect is that your sorrow becomes a guilt-shield (for you and them) against the hard work of change being engaged or words of timely truth being spoken.
10. Verbalizing Suspicion: This is the mild form of deception by counter attack. When you confront me in my sin, I attack you for your sins (real or fabricated). If I can’t prove my case, then I will try to change who is on trial. Example – Asking questions like, “Can you tell me you’ve never been attracted to somebody else?” or “I don’t ask you about your credit card, why are you asking me about mine? Can I have the password to your e-mail accounts too?”
11. Slandering: This is the bold form deception by counter attack. With slandering, the counter attacks are known to be untrue and are said not just to change the subject but to emotionally injure the person who raised the question. The goal is to intimidate the questioner out of asking any more questions and to solidify the role of the slanderer as the only one who “really knows” the truth about things – strengthening all other lies told.
12. Exaggeration: This is deception by magnification. Unlike other forms of lying which seek to shrink or hide the truth, exaggeration makes truth larger than it really is. Truth moves from being an enemy to being a weapon; when it should always be a friend (even when it hurts; Prov 27:6). Example – use of words like: always, never, only, just one time, a million times, etc…
Read Ecclesiastes 2:1-11. The book of Ecclesiastes might be called “The Big Book of Step One.” In this book Solomon admits that he tried everything under the sun to find satisfaction and that it was all ultimately unfulfilling. One of the biggest hindrances to admitting our sin is that we believe we are going to “miss out” on the good life if we do, or that our sin has made the good life unattainable so sin is the best option we have left. These too are lies. But not lies you tell anyone else. Lies you tell yourself. And lies you must put away if you are ever going to put away your sin. God has promised that He came to give us a full life (John 10:10) and that nothing we have done can separate us from that good life because of what Christ did on our behalf (Rom 8:34-39). Doubting one or both of these truths is the ultimate reason people remain in their sin.
Posted 4 days, 20 hours ago at 11:21 am. Add a comment
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on Jonah 4 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday January 28-29, 2012.
When you have gotten to know someone decently well you begin to know what pushes their buttons, gets under their skin, and their pet peeves. Rarely can we hide from others what really makes us tick for long. It shows up as our agitation, anxiety, awkward silence, drive, outspokenness, sensitivities, and quirks.
The things that stir our souls reveal important things about us. When people show us emotion, their beliefs, values, and hopes are on display (Luke 6:45). These are precious and powerful moments. These are moments when friendships are forged and lives are changed. Seeing Jesus’ relevance in these moments in the gospel is most relevant.
Unfortunately, these are also the times when there is a strong tendency to back away from people. We find these moments intimidating, uncomfortable, or “personal.” While nothing of significance should be approached cavalierly, neither should moments of such influence be ignored.
The question is, “How do we engage these moments with the honor they deserve while seeking to maximize the potential they hold?” I will offer some suggestions on how to approach these moments to engage gospel conversations.
Ask a good question. It can be as simple as an observation, “That was really important to you.” Maybe you ask, “What did you like/dislike most about that?” Just don’t let the question get in the way. Make it short and an acknowledgement that you’re interested in what is significant to them.
Honor push back. Interest is one door to winning trust; honor is another. If the other person is uncomfortable, let the question rest. We model Christ’s compassion when we do not force our concern upon them and are not offended if they are not open to the conversation.
Show genuine interest. Evangelism should never be a “technique.” Nobody wants an unsolicited counselor. If you cut quickly to what you really wanted to talk about (i.e., Jesus), you risk insulting the person you are seeking to reach.
Don’t try to complete the journey in one conversation. This is relational evangelism. If you are able to put their concern/passion into words and they say, “Thank you! Finally somebody gets it,” that is a huge win. You are an ambassador (2 Cor. 5:20). Ambassadors know the value of trust and learning culture (emotions are “personal culture”) for delivering an impactful message.
Listen for sin and suffering. When we seek to share the gospel through the window of emotion we must know how the gospel speaks to sin and suffering. We need to be able to offer God’s forgiveness and comfort. The “idols of our hearts” are sought for both pleasure and refuge. For on how the gospel speaks to sin and suffering, see these two videos.
Listen for how you’re like them. Testimony is uniquely important in these kinds of gospel conversations. You may not have the same “driving desires” (idols) linked to the same historical influences with the same emotional response. But chances are you can relate to the pattern – heart set on [blank overgrown desire] that is important to you because [historical reason] so you [emotional response]. People are not as different as we like to think we are.
As a Christian, you should be able to talk about how the gospel has changed the way you respond to those moments – how Christ’s Lordship put overgrown good desires back in proportion, is transforming the way you understand shaping events, and is creating stability in your emotions (for an example of this applied to anger/conflict click here). You just shared the gospel. Now all you need to do is to ask if they are interested in a similar relationship with Christ.
Continue having “normal” conversations. The freedom of the gospel is expressed (in part) by the fact that while Christ comes to us in our weakest moments we are not defined by those moments. Be God’s ambassador in this way as well. You are inviting them to be a part of God’s family (where people are defined by their relationships), not God’s recovery group (where people are defined by their struggle). This is someone you know them well enough that they allowed you to see their soul; honor that by showing concern for their whole life.
Posted 1 week, 1 day ago at 12:17 pm. Add a comment
The presentation of the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” seminar will be Sunday February 12, 2012 from 5:00 to 8:00 pm at The Summit Church Brier Creek South Venue (2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).
Below is the material needed to complete the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” program at The Summit Church (Durham, NC). If you are interested in studying this material as a part of a recovery program, which we call Freedom Groups, please click here for more information and to get connected.
From this material we offer four ministry options: (1) Married Men’s Purity Group, (2) Single Men’s Purity Group, (3) Women’s Purity Group, and (4) meeting with a supervised graduate counseling intern for personal counseling.
NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr ([email protected]), office administrator over counseling.
STEP 1.
ADMIT I have a struggle I cannot overcome without God.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Evaluation” assessment click here: Sexual Sin Assessment
For the “Pride vs. Brokenness” appendix click here:
For the “How to End an Extra-Marital Relationship” appendix click here:
STEP 2.
ACKNOWLEDGE the breadth and impact of my sin.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “How to Talk to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family” appendix click here: Appendix Talking to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family
STEP 3.
UNDERSTAND the origin, motive, and history of my sin.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Journal” from click here: Sexual Sin Journal
STEP 4.
REPENT TO GOD for how my sin replaced and misrepresented Him.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 5.
CONFESS TO THOSE AFFECTED for harm done and seek to make amends.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Confession Guide” click here: Confession Guide for Sexual Sin
STEP 6.
RESTRUCTURE MY LIFE to rely on God’s grace and Word to transform my life.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 7.
IMPLEMENT the new structure pervasively with humility and flexibility.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Implementation Evaluation Tool” click here: Sexual Sin Plan Eval Form
STEP 8.
PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 9.
STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
Posted 1 week, 4 days ago at 12:22 pm. 1 comment
“Eyes” of the Counseling Ministry – The presentation will cover two subjects. (1) The core values of the counseling ministry: Bible-based, Gospel-centered, differentiating sin and suffering, not one-size-fits-all, embedded within the church, and transitioning into the general small group ministry. Leaders need to understand how these values are embedded throughout the counseling materials. (2) How to avoid a struggle-based identity when using a struggle-specific curriculum.
“Our deepest problem is that we seek to find our identity outside the story of redemption (p. 27)… In fact, the longer we struggle with a problem, the more likely we are to define ourselves by that problem (divorced, addicted, depressed, co-dependent, ADD). We come to believe that our problem is who we are. But while these labels may describe particular ways we struggle as sinners [or sufferers] in a fallen world, they are not our identity! If we allow them to define us, we will live trapped within their boundaries. This is no way for a child of God to live (p. 260)!” Paul Tripp in Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hand
Session 1.
“What Is a Freedom Group?”
Purpose and Vision of Freedom Groups
Freedom Groups Training – Session 1 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Session 2
“What a Freedom Group is Not”
How to Avoid a Struggle-Based Identity
Freedom Groups Training – Session 2 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Handout for Night One, Session Two: WHO I AM IN CHRIST_KELLEMEN
Night Two (Process): “Heart” of the Counseling Ministry – The big question on this night is, “How does the Gospel relate to sin and suffering differently?” The struggles of life fit into one of these two categories: sin or suffering. The Gospel speaks to and is powerful to redeem/restore both experiences. But unless we understand the difference, our efforts to help will often come across cliché or simplistic. On this evening we will walk through the two nine step process models that will undergird the seminars that will comprise the mentoring and Freedom Group curriculum. Our goal for each of the nine step processes is that they merely represent “the Gospel in slow motion.”
Session 3.
“When the Problem is Me”
The 9 Steps for Freedom Groups (Sin)
Freedom Groups Training – Session 3 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Session 4.
“When the Problem is Not Me”
The 9 Steps for Freedom Groups (Suffering)
Freedom Groups Training – Session 4 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Night Three (Logistics): “Hands” of Freedom Groups – This evening will be focused more exclusively upon Freedom Group leaders, although all leaders are welcome to attend to learn more about how the seminars and curriculum can be utilized. We will examine what the journey of Freedom Groups will look like from the visitor’s first day through the meeting schedule and individuals’ responsibilities to the launch of new groups.
Freedom Group Training – Session 5 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
RESOURCES: Nigh Three, Hour One
Freedom Groups Training – Session 6 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
RESOURCES: Night Three, Hour Two
Posted 1 month ago at 1:01 pm. Add a comment
Can I admit that I have never really “gotten” the Lord’s Supper the way I think I should? I see the picture of the Gospel, but the experience itself, never seemed to move me, encourage me, or sustain me the way it should. I have wrestled with it for a while; praying that God would help me get out of this practice more of what He put into it. The reflection below has helped me and I pray it will help you.
A Picture of Sin
When training for being stranded at sea military personnel are told repeatedly, “Do not drink the water.” If you are stranded at sea in the beating sun and thirsty, the sound of lapping water and the feel of wetness on your skin has to be tempting.
But if you drink the water, it provides initial relief followed by a more intense, salt-induced thirst. This leads to more salt water consumption. As you drink, the sodium level in your body increases making for a quicker and more painful death experience.
Often we come to sin seeking some relief from legitimate suffering. We get sinfully angry to try to correct a way we have really been wronged. We look at pornography to escape from a truly stressful day. We cheat financially because we are struggling to provide for our family. Yet in every case after the initial relief, sin intensifies the shame and isolation process that makes for a more intense experience of spiritual death.
A Counterfeit Lord’s Supper
With this picture in mind, let me offer a heretical liturgy. Take a glass of water and give it a strong dose of salt. Get a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. These will be the “elements” of your counterfeit Lord’s Supper (when sin is your Master; John 8:34). On your cup of salt water tape a piece of paper with the names of the sins you retreat to for “relief.”
As you “take the cup,” say to yourself, “This is the cup of my sin. ‘Take and drink because I care for you and want to make your life better. I give you myself,’ sin says to me.” Drink the salt water.
As you “take the bread,” say to yourself, “This is my body available to you. ‘Take and eat. Lose yourself in me and I will protect you,’ sin says to me.” Eat the chips.
Try to sit for 30 minutes and “enjoy” what sin provides. If it becomes difficult (i.e., thirsty), return to “the table of sin” as many times as you like in this half hour. Experience all that sin has to offer. As you do so, look at the words on the cup and be reminded of whose care you are receiving.
The Real Lord’s Supper
After 30 minutes have another private ceremony. This time have a cup of grape juice and a loaf of bread. On the cup of grape juice tape a piece of paper with the words, “Jesus. Gospel. Grace.” Read Matthew 26:26-29 and I Corinthians 11:23-26.
As you take the cup, remind yourself of Jesus’ words, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.”
As you take the bread, remind yourself again of Jesus’ words, “This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”
Know that you are invited to come and partake of Christ as often as you need to find the protection and sustenance you previously sought in sin. Know that the invitation is always open and His cup never runs dry. Be comforted.
As you taste the sweetness of the juice with no thirst-provoking after-effects, reflect on the superiority of Christ to anything sin offers and read John 4:1-15. As you experience the nourishment of the bread, reflect again on the superiority of Christ and read John 6:22-59.
Join the Conversation
- How did seeing sin’s alternative meal change the way you approached what is offered at the Lord’s Supper?
- How did going through the alternative meal change the way you thought about future temptations to the same sins?
- How did this exercise help you see and run to the availability of Christ during the times you normally would have sought a counterfeit comfort?
Posted 1 month, 1 week ago at 2:38 pm. Add a comment
I have periodic nightmares of various kinds. They can involve pirates and adventures gone awry at sea or losing a member of my family. I am not sure what causes them. My television viewing is largely restricted to sports, news, cooking shows, cartoons (for the kids, of course), or shows with talking animals (I’m a sucker for Narnia and Aflac commercials).
Recently I had one where I was being chased by a serial killer. It was eerily like the stupid movies I’ve seen commercials for. I was running and running through this old house to get away. After much effort (my wife says I didn’t wake her up), I was out of the house. Then I went back in the house to use the restroom.
The real me was screaming at the dream me, “Don’t be stupid!” But dream me didn’t listen. As I walk through the house (no longer running or fearful) looking for the restroom, from out of nowhere a butcher knife takes a hack at me. I spent the rest of the dream keeping the blade away from my neck.
When I woke up strangling my pillow, my heart was racing and I had time to think. I don’t have the spiritual gift of dream interpretation, but as I thought of how foolish it was to walk back into the house, I had a thought – that is how foolish it is for me to sin in private.
Any time we sin and fail to confess to those that God would use to point us back in the right direction (Heb 3:12-13), we are like dream me walking back into the house with the mass murderer (1 Pet. 5:8). It was a picture that resonated with me. Rarely had I viewed sin in that fashion.
If I were advising dream me, I would have said, “Run like the dickens (in my dreams the main character usually has a strong country accent) to the first phone that you can find with the line not cut and call 9-1-1.” Why would I treat sin any differently?
Is it macho pride because I want to show that I can handle it?
Is it twisted insecurity that values my reputation more than my life?
Is it immaturity that believes sin is “no big deal”?
Is it brute pleasure that enjoys the thrill?
What reason would I have accepted from dream me? Answer: none. There would be no reason that would justify wandering through a house with a mass murderer lurking to look for a rest room.
The next time that you struggle with sin and are hesitant to reach out to a Christian friend for accountability and encouragement, remember this post and don’t become “my dream come true.”
Posted 1 month, 1 week ago at 1:52 pm. Add a comment
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from our campus pastors’ sermons on I Peter 5:6-11 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday December 17-18, 2011.
Peter is writing to Christians who have chosen to leave their homes and homeland over renouncing their faith. Living in another country as foreigners has resulted in many forms of suffering: persecution from authority figures (2:13-25), marriages in shambles (3:1-7), doubt about whether the sacrifice was worth it (3:8-22), and many temptations to sin as form of self-medicating / mentally escaping their suffering (4:1-5).
As Peter concludes his letter, he knows these dear friends must be afraid and multiplying their fear would be a creeping, growing doubt of God’s love (5:7). Whenever we face fear and doubt rooted in suffering, one of our most basic instincts is to turn to self-reliance. We think (sometimes not out loud), “Life isn’t playing by the rules. Bad things are happening to me for reasons I have not caused. God must have failed. I’m going to have to figure this out on my own.”
Peter sees this subtle, desperate pride that suffering causes to seem so “logical.” He has just encouraged these Christian to entrust themselves to God even when they suffer unjustly (4:12-19) and he knows what it will take fulfill this instruction – humility (5:6).
Notice how Peter speaks to the suffering-based anxiety of his readers (we should remember that both the message and tone of Scripture is divinely inspired). Peter calls them to humility with a promise of God’s blessing (“so at the proper time he may exalt you”), a timely application (“casting all your anxieties upon him”), and reminder of God’s love (“because he cares for you”).
Peter’s tone with suffering-based anxiety is different than Paul’s tone with sin-based anxiety (Phil. 4:1-9). In this context Paul is rebuking two ladies (Euodia and Syntyche) who are feuding. Based upon the flow of the passage their feud is causing a disgruntled fear and a persistent focus on what is wrong, bad, incomplete, unjust, or not according to their preference.
Paul is more direct (“do not be anxious”) and emphatic (“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice”). Yet even in confronting this sin-based anxiety, Paul still holds out the promises of God (“the peace of God… will guard your hearts and your minds”) and affirms God’s love (“the God of peace will be with you”).
We see in this that the solution for anxiety is the same – trust in the faithful promises of God accompanied by a belief that God truly cares for you – but that the tone of conversation that leads into these conversations changes based upon whether the anxiety emanates from a source of sin or suffering. For sin-based anxiety, the call is to repent and believe. For suffering-based anxiety the call is to trust and believe.
I think Paul would agree with this distinction and even wrote about this difference in tone in I Thessalonians 5:14, “And we urge you brothers, admonish the idle [disorderly or undisciplined], encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” Different heart-dispositions call for different pastoral/counseling tones—if we only ask, “What does the Bible say about [blank]?” we miss, or at least forget to look for, this.
I think Peter would say that whether anxiety is suffering-based or sin-based that Satan intends to use it for the same purpose—namely to devour our lives. Satan does not care what he uses to destroy our lives: the selfishness of sin or the despair of suffering. As long as he gets our eyes off of Christ and causes a doubt in God that causes us to turn in on ourselves, Satan is delighted.
What is the point? Why does this matter? When we see the situation-specific ways that God spoke to similar life struggles it allows us to see Him as more wise and more caring. The call to trust God as compassionate, which is at the core for both Paul and Peter, becomes more believable.
When we see God this way, it changes the way that we speak to one another on God’s behalf. We ask more questions and learn how to speak the gospel to the same issue (in this case anxiety) in different circumstances (both sin and suffering). We become more complete and accurate ambassadors of God’s heart for His children and the world.
Posted 1 month, 2 weeks ago at 12:24 pm. 3 comments
Night Two (Process): “Heart” of the Counseling Ministry – The big question on this night is, “How does the Gospel relate to sin and suffering differently?” The struggles of life fit into one of these two categories: sin or suffering. The Gospel speaks to and is powerful to redeem/restore both experiences. But unless we understand the difference, our efforts to help will often come across cliché or simplistic. On this evening we will walk through the two nine step process models that will undergird the seminars that will comprise the mentoring and Freedom Group curriculum. Our goal for each of the nine step processes is that they merely represent “the Gospel in slow motion.”
Session 3.
“When the Problem is Me”
The 9 Steps for Freedom Groups (Sin)
Freedom Groups Training – Session 3 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Session 4.
“When the Problem is Not Me”
The 9 Steps for Freedom Groups (Suffering)
Freedom Groups Training – Session 4 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.
Posted 1 month, 3 weeks ago at 10:40 am. 2 comments
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“I admit that this means loving people who have nothing lovable about them. But then, has oneself anything lovable about it? You love it simply because it is yourself. God intends us to love all selves in the same way and for the same reason: but He has given us the sum ready worked out in our own case to show us how it works. We have then to go on and apply the rule to all the other selves (p. 120).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
There is beautiful discomfort in this quote. It is simultaneously offensive and relieving. I want to rebuttal, “What do you mean that there is nothing lovable in me? What do you mean God made it that way so I would be able to love the unlovable in others?”
But at the same time I want give a relieved sigh and say, “You mean I don’t have to ‘keep it together’? There really isn’t this perpetual pressure to be ‘good enough’ for God?”
I want the beauty of the gospel without the discomfort. I want the relief without the offense. But we simply cannot have it both ways. We want to figure out a way to overcome our insecurity without having to extend the same unmerited grace to others.
The most common approach is to do away with the biblical category of our sinful nature. Somehow we want to say that “everyone is really good” but also “nobody’s perfect” (awkward contradiction not beautiful discomfort). We try to build our self-esteem by saying that our nature is good, but then get defensive when our sinfulness breaks through our idealistic veneer and reveals our real nature.
Lewis acknowledges our sinfulness, but does not succumb to a sense of self-condemnation. His acknowledgement that there is nothing good in us to love does not cause him to sound pessimistic, negative, or hopeless. He still speaks of love and God’s design to teach us how to love with a sense of optimistic hopefulness.
In this regard, I believe we can learn as much from Lewis’ style and tone as his content. He makes a very unpopular point is the most palatable way. Lewis forces me to see my total depravity and lack of deserving love in a way that keeps the focus on God’s love and design.
I walk away thinking, “God allows me to respond to me the way I do – seeking my preservation and best interest in spite of my failure because of a love for self that is stronger than my dislike for self – so that I can learn how to love others like He loves all of us.”
I am not called to relinquish that care for self. But I am called to see that it is a faint picture of His love for me. It is a clue left in my soul meant to cause me to question, “Why would I respond to myself this way when it’s so hard to respond to anyone else this way?”
Either we are more selfish than we realize – giving ourselves advantage we won’t give anyone else. In which case, any sense of affection for self is continued self-delusion. Or, we are following a design left in us by our Creator, after the Fall, to give us a first-person experience of what His love for us is like. In this case, we follow this self-affection away from ourselves back to the source from which it came.
Let us follow Lewis’ example and realize that God’s truth always unravels very personal parts of our life struggles. When we walk to God’s truth through these questions and struggles, then even when the answers are offensive they will bring awkward comfort that leaves us trusting God more.
Posted 1 month, 3 weeks ago at 12:24 pm. Add a comment
