I think most everyone is a bit weary of the commercialization of Christmas. Most of us love the season, the traditions, time with family, carols, food, and opportunity to rest. We are not tired of Christmas; we just fear losing what made it “Christmas” to begin with.
That is particularly true when it comes to our children. We do not want them to think this sacred holiday is merely about having their every electronic, plastic, and sugar-infused desire met. We love the expression on their faces as they open presents. We delight even more in putting those smiles there. But we want them to see that those presents represent “the gift;” a gift that was given not to pacify a desire or annual fad, but to meet the deepest need of their soul.
What follows is a liturgy (order of service) of sorts. Feel free to adapt it. The liturgy is intended to be highly interactive and is built around four presents and is infused with Christmas carols, Scripture and conversation. The four gifts can be given at one time prior to the family gift exchange or be given one per evening on the four nights leading up to the family gift exchange.
If you choose to use this with your family, it is advised you read through the flow of interaction several times, so that you can lead the conversation without reading it from the article. It will be more effective as a natural conversation than something read from paper (with the exception of the Scripture readings). It is also advised that you sing the hymns with your children in the weeks before Christmas. If they are already familiar with the words, then the context in which they are sung will have greater meaning.
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Posted 1 month, 4 weeks ago at 12:44 pm. 1 comment
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
– Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Most Christian parents have considered these verses. The application can too often be reduced to, “We should talk about God and the Bible a lot.” This is true, but if left there can result either in multiple prolonged monologues or guilt for not knowing what to say. A second common application is that, “We should decorate our homes with biblical stuff.” This too is true, but if left there our homes can become a VBS crafts museum.
This post seeks to give one example of how to apply the two principles discussed above. There are many other applications that could be made and I encourage families to be creative.
CRAFT: Get three bowls and place them on the kitchen table. Fill the first bowl with pieces of an old towel cut into small pieces and tied with a ribbon. Fill the second bowl with small plastic hearts or pictures of hearts printed on the computer. Fill the third bowl with small plastic shields or pictures of a shield printed on the computer.
TOWEL: The towels represent service. The towel is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family voluntarily serves someone else. Use your concordance to find verses on service. Print these verses and tie them to the small pieces of towel.
SHIELD: The shield represents a lack of defensiveness. In difficult communication we are faced with the choice to protect others or defend ourselves. The shield is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family resists a natural opportunity to be defensive or deceitful. Use your concordance to find verses on other mindedness, confession, honesty, integrity, and vulnerability. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the shields.
HEART: The heart represents tender, active listening. Whenever someone wants to show love to another member of the family by listening they should ask, “May I hold your heart?” While they listen they should hold the heart with an open hand. Once they have been able to accurately summarize what they have heard, they then return the heart and say, “Thank you for sharing your heart with me.” Use your concordance to find words on love, listening, and compassion. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the hearts.
By placing these bowls on the dinner table, the family will frequently remind themselves of these important foundations of healthy communication: service, lack of defensiveness, and sincere listening. By placing Scripture with each item, there is the opportunity to highlight the Bible being lived out in the family’s life—this allows the blessing of Godly communication to be captured “in the moment.”
Young children will enjoy being able to collect the various tokens. Parents should take the opportunity to model the principles of each token before their children in role play. Parents should also role play conversations with each of the children. After role playing tokens should be passed parent-parent, parent-child, child-parent, and child-child. The goal is to give the family “eyes to see” good communication—too often we only pay attention to the negative. Also, after discipline in which one of these principles was violated, the parent should discuss how the towel, shield, or heart would have made things different.
As you use this tool, you will get to know the strengths and weaknesses of each family member. Some will have many towels and another will have lots of hearts. This is a great opportunity to celebrate the strengths of each family member. It is also an opportunity to discuss having a balanced character.
If this tool proves to be an effective way to disciple your family, you can use it with other virtues. First, identify the virtue that needs extra attention in your family. Second, select a positively conotated object to represent that virtue. Third, research Scripture passages that speak about that virtue. Fourth, explain to the family the new object and role play its enactment.
I would not advise using an incentive system for this tool (i.e., ice cream for the first person with five shields). The reward for this tool is the peace, affection, and unity it brings. This is not a race or competition. If it has to be “enforced,” then you are dealing with a matter of discipline not instruction. This tool is merely a tool of instruction (hopefully with a cute motivational twist).
The goal for this exercise is to bring Scripture application to life and create a positive context for seeking Christ-like character and expressions of love within the family. If it allows for enjoyable and creative discussions of biblical principles that tend to be abstract, then it has achieved its purpose.
Posted 2 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:08 pm. Add a comment
Since my boys have been old enough to talk, it has been an intention of mine to use special events to frame special conversations. I wrote about the first of these after taking my older on a “right of passage trip” before he entered kindergarten. He began calling it our “special trip” and the title stuck. We took our second “special trip” this weekend.
This trip was triggered by a life lesson more than a life event. In first grade, my oldest son is very discouraged by the unruliness of his classmates. As a collective punishment, he has missed recess, had silent lunch, and faced other negative consequences (a big deal to a social, people-pleasing, perfectionist seven year old). Many days after school he would tell me, “Papa, I’m mad… This isn’t fair… I’m sad.” We could see his vigor of life lessening.
At a parent-teacher conference, his teacher confirmed that he was behaving well and commented that his efforts to motivate his classmates to follow instructions were “exceptional” (proud parent has to add that). So Sallie and I realized it was a time to try to (a) encourage him and (b) teach him about the burden that can come with being a light in a dark place.
Hence, we planned “Special Trip II.” The itinerary was to attend our first college football game, go out for steaks (our four year old’s favorite good), stay at a hotel with an indoor pool, and go to a local farm for a day of fun (pictures available on Facebook). The purpose was to teach two lessons:
“Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” I Peter 4:19
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
We had a great time at the football game. In the third quarter my extroverted, eldest son looked at me and said, “Papa, I feel like I know everyone here.” He had initiated many conversations. We got steaks on Applebee’s 2 for $20 menu and my youngest ate until his belly bulged. We went to the hotel and swam for an hour with the pool to ourselves before we relaxed in the hot tub.
That’s when I started the conversation about school. We both talked for a while and then I brought up I Peter 4. We both talked for a while longer then I brought up Matthew 5. Then we decided to play more in the pool. They chased me so much around the pool that my feet are still bruised as I type. My prayer and purpose was that he will remember that conversation because it was in a hot tub at a nice hotel. My prayer and observation is that he was able to receive it as words of encouragement rather than a “do better… get over it” talk because it was part of a rewards trip.
We went back up to the room and I got out my Bible and showed them the passages we talked about. They asked me questions about why those passages were marked in different colors in my Bible. After a little more conversation we wrestled in the bed and then fell asleep watching football together.
The next morning we got up, ate breakfast, and swam more before they decided we needed to work out in the hotel fitness center (another “learning experience” they genuinely loved). We got chili-cheese conies at Sonic for lunch (my seven year old’s favorite food) before going to Vollmer’s Farm for the afternoon (if you live within driving distance of Bunn, NC this is a must-do family event). We exhausted ourselves for the next four hours. My youngest fell asleep on the way home and my seven year old initiated more conversation about school and how to respond to his friends.
My favorite quote of the trip happened in that conversation. My seven old said he wished I was his school teacher because, “It would take someone like you Papa to change [name of disruptive student] or somebody else who goes by the name Papa… you know, God.” Then as he was making elaborate plans to impact students in his class, he said, “I am just going to keep being an example and saying good words to [name]. I hope they will sink into his heart and change him.” Shortly after that we woke up little brother and pulled off to get ice cream.
As we ate, I asked them what their favorite part of the trip was. The oldest said it was swimming at the hotel pool and watching TV after bedtime. The youngest said it was wrestling in the bed and working out in the fitness center. Then I asked them if they knew what my favorite part of the trip. My oldest blushed, trying to look slightly annoyed, and said, “I know, Papa, it was spending time with us.”
Here is what I think I have learned from my first two attempts at “special trips.”
- Stay at a hotel with a pool. That means the world to my boys. They enjoy it (and therefore remember it) more than anything else we do.
- Keep the teaching points to one or two things and tie the teaching times to something memorable. Let the themes of the trip echo through several shorter conversations rather than longer talks.
- Enjoy yourself. I wouldn’t trade these first two trips for something ten times the monetary cost the trips. From what I can tell it was my enjoyment of the time that prevented the messages from overpowering the trips.
- Reminisce about the special trip after you get back home. This can help reinforce the key messages of the trip without having to belabor the key messages. It is easier to avoid “talk-malaise” when I ask, “Do you remember what we talked about at the campfire on our first special trip?”
Posted 3 months ago at 11:20 am. 1 comment
What is love? Am I really in love? I love you, but I’m not sure I like you right now. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Agape. Phileo. There are many things we say and ask about love. Hopefully this post does not muddy already murky water.
I frequently have conversations with people whose definition of love is about to exhaust them (physically, emotionally, or financially), but they feel incredibly guilty if they “love less.” How could that be loving, Christ-like, or God-honoring?
Unless we answer this question many of us will become burned out and/or bitter by trying to do what we believe God calls us to do.
Let’s start with an image. Picture love as a basket and begin listing the actions, motives, and dispositions that belong in the basket. Service. Protection. Sacrifice. Joy. Pleasure. Forgiveness. Benefit of the doubt. Etc…
If we are not careful, we will end up saying that “love is everything.” But as with any word, when it means everything; it means nothing. Even the fact that love could require almost anything (moral) should not push us to say that “love is everything.”
So, how do we begin to take things out of the basket? We can start by recognizing that we are finite lovers. That means that my ability to love is limited by a 168 hour week. Nothing that requires more than the time I have to give can be placed in the basket. I also have a limited financial budget over which God has placed certain instructions (i.e., tithing, saving, avoiding debt). Nothing that love requires should cause me to live outside those instructions.
This begins to change the questions. Before, we might ask, how could I be loving and not do [blank] for my spouse? Or, how could I be loving and not give [blank] to my kids? I would have wanted those things, and I am called to love them as myself. They would be in a better position for life if given this opportunity.
These questions are rooted in guilt, because they are rooted in the assumption of an infinite resource. They could be applied to any good thing and with a little emotional tug result in everything going in the love basket.
The new question becomes, what is the best way(s) to love [name] with the blessings God has placed in my life? This recognizes that God blessed me in order that I might be a blessing (Gen 12:2). It also recognizes that to whom much is given, much is expected (Luke 12:48). So love is challenged to be sacrificial.
However, it also recognizes that there are limits to what we can put in love. The widow could only put in two copper coins (Luke 21:2). When we try to put more into love than God has given us to give, this is one way to define what is often called codependency.
When parents buy things for a child they cannot afford in the name of “sacrifice.” When a friend “protects” another from the consequences or revelation of substance abuse. When a spouse “forgives” physical abuse without contacting legal authorities or demanding counseling. In these cases, sacrifice, protection, and forgiveness do not belong in the basket of love (at least as defined in these examples).
But as long as we define love as everything nice, we will feel guilty when we “love less” by taking things out of the basket of love that were never ours to put in the basket.
Posted 6 months ago at 12:25 pm. 2 comments
One of the desires of The Summit Counseling ministry is to be a part of the “normal” church life. We do not want to be a church with a counseling ministry (read “on the side; just for crisis cases”). We want to be a church that uses our counseling ministry to EQUIP our members to counsel one another and our community.
We have put a great deal of time, energy, and conversation into designing the counseling ministry to strengthen existing ministries or core values of our church. This is something we are passionate about and want to continue to refine.
There are several ways that we have sought to accomplish this:
- Each counseling initiative is designed to lead participants into a small group
- The focal point of change in each counseling initiative is the Gospel
- Counseling seminars are written and recorded to be available as small group studies
There is another core value the counseling EQUIP seminars want to strengthen – parents are the primary discipler of their children. Part of discipling our children is teaching them how to handle their anger, anxiety, conflict, grief, etc… in biblical ways. For this reason, each counseling EQUIP seminar will have an appendix that applies the material covered at a child’s level and in a family devotion format.
The following sample is taken from the second point of the upcoming “Overcoming Anger” seminar.
Devotion for Luke 6:43-45. Give your children a visual of the key teaching in this passage. Take a glass of water and shake it. When water comes out, ask, “Why did water come out of the glass?” Most likely they will answer, “Because you shook it.” Kindly say, “No,” and repeat the question emphasizing the word water. After a couple tries tell them, “Water came out of the glass because water was in the glass. If it were a glass of milk and I shook it milk would have come out.”
Our hearts are like that glass. When life shakes us the content of our heart is revealed. We cannot blame our sinful actions on the things that happen outside of us. “You cannot blame your brother taking your toy as why you hit him anymore than I should blame your disobedience for why I yell at you. In those situations you wanted to enjoy the toy more than to love your brother and I let my desire for a peaceful evening override my responsibility to honor you.”
Use this conversation as another opportunity to present the Gospel to your child. Christ comes to change hearts. He wants to keep their hearts and minds healthy. Only Jesus can change our hearts. Talk about how you still need the Gospel even as a Christian parent.
Follow Up Study: The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones – “God Sends Help” starting on page 326.
We hope to see a large number of our parents at this event and pray that God will use it to strengthen our families.
“Overcoming Anger”
Presenter: Brad Hambrick
June 26, 2011
5:00 to 8:00 pm
Cost: Free, so bring lots of friends
No RSVP Required
The Summit Church (Brier Creek South Venue)
2335 Presidential Drive
Durham, NC 27703
Posted 7 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:24 pm. Add a comment
This expanded re-post was also posted at the blog for the Biblical Counseling Coalition.
Different struggles have different characteristic traits. Anger comes with a sense of urgency. When anger goes bad, it is usually trying to correct too much too quickly. In the process, this pace and intensity of the change does as much or more damage than the wrong which triggered the anger. Think of a few classic examples.
Three Examples
A teenager back talks his/her parent. The parent is incensed with the disrespect and wants to put an end to it immediately. The result is smacking the teenager across the face.
A husband and wife are in an argument. One person is unable to follow what the other person says. The response to having to repeat what was already said is a derogatory slam for being “too stupid to follow a conversation… no wonder we can’t get along when this is who I have to talk to.”
A boss is feeling pressure at work, because last quarter’s numbers were low. Everyone knows it’s the economy, but no one knows how long it could take for that to turn around. So, instead, a tone of criticism and sarcasm fills the work environment in the name of “motivation.”
These brief snippets may share many things in common, but the point being illustrated is that they reveal the “rushed” nature of anger and that sinful anger does more damage than what triggers it. We think we are agents of peace and righteousness, but we are spreading dissension and dishonor.
Three Examples Revisited
A parent should correct disrespect, but “putting a child in their place” with random, sniper-esque violence does nothing to teach respect. The teenager grows to covet the power to treat people how you like and blame them if they don’t like your lack of self-control. Come to think of it, that is probably what started the argument in the first place.
It is reasonable for a spouse to expect to be understood. But when the ability to follow a conversation becomes the measure of whether you deserve the basics of mutual honor, then the foundations of trust and security have been eroded. Now fear and resentment will impede the ability to listen in future conversations and anger will escalate because, “You ‘never’ understand what I say.”
A boss does provide income for his/her employees by motivating them to perform at a level which consistently earns a profit for the company. But the residual impact of a negative environment and unrealistic expectations makes the term “success” a cruel fairy tale.
One Implication
So what’s the point? Consider this one take away (but feel free to brainstorm others). Godly anger recognizes the pace at which change can take place. Out of grace-filled, realistic love for the person, godly anger looks to influence change in a way that does not destroy or demean the person experiencing the change. Godly anger always wants redemption more than destruction.
The cliché application of this point is to “count to 10.” But if you don’t know why you’re counting to ten, then your tongue will just be 10 times sharper when you finally do speak. We pause because we want to accurately represent our God. We recognize the greatest offense is not the wrong we are responding to, but a willful misrepresentation of God in the name of righteousness.
Consider this picture of God’s response to injustice.
Exodus 34:6-7, “The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation (emphasis added).”
It might be better to memorize this passage and repeat it to yourself instead of counting. As you repeat it to yourself, add the following brief prayer, “Lord, I am tempted to be rushed to anger. Help me represent you in both mercy and justice, in what I say and what I don’t say. If I must choose between sin and silence give me the grace to choose silence until I can honor You.”
Three Examples Revised
Now the parent realizes fire should not be fought with fire. Dominance does not defeat disrespect; it makes dominance more attractive and increases the desire to attain it. The parent realizes the short cut of aggression is a lie like the short cuts offered to Jesus (Matt. 4:1-11). The parent would need to respond with strength marked by “power and love and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7).” But until such words and actions are found, representing God must be valued more than guarding personal respect.
With this in mind, the spouse realizes the pride and self-centeredness of his/her desire for efficiency and condemning words. Creating an environment where it is safe to misunderstand is essential to being consistently understood. But until the pace of his/her expectations slow down, this will seem like a foolish contradiction (1 Cor. 1:20-25).
Our boss can now realize that prolonged motivation by fear inevitably degenerates into despair. Fear is an effective motivator, but not one that our souls were made to perpetually endure. Like duct tape, fear fixes things, but only for a short time. Truth spoken in love (“Without increased production not all of us will keep our jobs”) can then be allowed to sustain what negativity always drove in the ground.
Join the Conversation
- What other applications would you draw to help counter the rushed nature of anger?
- As you consider your applications, reflect both on the situational (“in the moment”) and lifestyle changes that are necessary to combat this dynamic of sinful anger.
- How do we protect and foster the good qualities associated with anger’s strong call to action?
Posted 8 months, 2 weeks ago at 12:44 pm. 1 comment
It is easy to read the Parable of the Prodigal Son and come away with a very bad parenting strategy for rebellious children. Some might read the parable and think, “If God the Father gives his child everything he asked for (Luke 15:12), then I should to.”
That may sound far-fetched at first, but throw in a little parental guilt, child persuasiveness, and life too busy to think things through, and it is easier to fall into than you might think. “It’s just this one time… What good is my stuff, if my children don’t like me… It’s going to be theirs anyway… It is easier than listening to them whine… I want my children to be happy.” Sound or feel familiar?
However, I think there is a more dangerous parenting strategy that is often extracted from this passage. More dangerous for two reasons: first, because most parents (at least those who want to) can see through the first error. But second, because the second error happens at the point of return. The second error sabotages repentance and, therefore, leaves the child trapped in their folly even when the alarms of reality have awakened them (15:17).
The second error sees God the Father running to the prodigal (15:20) and mistakes this for rescuing the prodigal from his sin. The misguided parent sees the compassion of God and thinks they are mirroring His grace when they rescue their child from the consequences of their sin. They hear the Father not allowing the prodigal to even finish his repentance (15:21-22) and do not require repentance before they begin going the extra mile to make things “normal” again.
Let’s consider the parable to understand why it does not teach us to respond this way. First, the parable is a parable. A parable exists to teach a single point. It is not an allegory which teaches many points. This parable is not about parenting. It is confrontation of self-righteousness that does not allow us to rejoice when those “beneath us” are embraced by God.
Second, (admittedly, violating the previous point) the Father does not chase after the prodigal. In the previous two parables the God-character does seek after the lost coin and lost sheep. But these are inanimate or witless things. The son is willfully lost and the Father knows that as long as the prodigal sees sin as beautiful, seeking to make things “normal” is futile. The Father’s running is not rescue, but merely a demonstration of joy at repentance (the point of the parable).
Third, the prodigal does come to a full repentance. The Father’s interrupting is not omitting this vital component of change. Rather, it demonstrates that it is not the son’s eloquence, emotion, or manipulation that wooed the Father, but repentance itself that released His forgiveness.
If we learn any parenting principles from this passage, it would be the following. (1) A parent should be willing to receive back a repentant child regardless of their sin. (2) A parent should pray diligently and longingly for a wayward child to wake up to the damage of their sin. (3) Waiting for this waking can be a painfully long wait that allows the child to experience great need (15:14).
These same principles apply to most relationships where love would compel us to try to rescue someone from their sin before they release their sin. These comments should not be taken to advise restraint in speaking the truth in love or to show general forms of expression. They are merely meant to be a warning not to take this example of God’s grace as a precedent for thinking that love which compromises truth will lead to lasting change.
Posted 9 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:24 pm. 2 comments
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor JD’s sermon “Consequences: 2 Samuel 12-16” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday February 5-6, 2011.
When we see and hear how the sin of David affected his son Absalom many of us may begin to experience fear. This fear is compounded if we consider God’s words in the second of the Ten Commandments.
“You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5-6).”
The gracious disproportion of numbers is not much comfort if you are in one of the first three generations. So we have to ask, “What is this verse talking about?” Some would say it means that God punishes children for the sins of their parents. God has heard His people ask this question before and answered it in Ezekiel 18:19-21.
“Yet you say, ‘Why should the son suffer for the iniquity of the father? When the son has done what is just and right, and has been careful to observe all my statutes, he shall surely live. The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself. But IF a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die (capitalization added).’”
The question we are asking pivots on, “What makes the ‘if’ so hard?” We are all wicked in the sense that we are born in sin and righteousness is unnatural. So the link between Exodus 20 and Ezekiel 18 seems to be that it is harder for someone to turn from sin when their family of origin rejects God.
One reason for this is that following God is unnatural. Proverbs 22:15a describes all our beginnings; “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” There is a natural consequence to absence of godly parenting – we go in the way that seems right to us which ends in death (Prov. 14:12, 16:25).
But there seems to be more to it than natural consequences in Exodus 20. I would describe it as a “life context with momentum.” There is more than the absence of good; there is the presence of bad. A child learns a lifestyle, collects hurts, gathers fears, and takes on goals. This is the child’s life context for years, even decades.
Like braces on teeth, this molds the child, even if the child can tell the context is wrong and doesn’t want to continue it. The child only knows what not to do. In avoiding the evil they know, there are many more dysfunctions to fall into. After all there is only “one way” that leads to life (John 14:6) and many ways that seem good that lead to destruction (Matt. 7:13-14).
I believe this gives us insight into another passage that speaks of influences beyond our immediate life and choice – Ephesians 6:10-20 on spiritual warfare. It is interesting that the only active steps we are called to in spiritual warfare are to “put on the armor (v. 11, 13)” and “stand firm (v. 13).”
In light of this discussion, I would say this means:
- Study the Bible diligently to “put on the armor of God”: to learn God’s truth, gain a vision for God’s righteousness, embrace and live in the gospel of peace, by faith resist the lies of your upbringing, trust in God’s salvation, and ask the Spirit to penetrate these things into your heart.
- Understand the context of your family of origin. Examine what you learned inaccurately from them—what things they taught you to be good, valuable or desirable that are not. What things did they model to be scarce or withhold that are plentiful in Christ? Know these influences “with momentum” so that you can “stand firm” in God’s armor when they push you towards destruction.
Posted 1 year ago at 10:35 pm. 1 comment
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“Somebody once asked me: ‘Why did God make a creature of such rotten stuff that it went wrong?’ The better stuff a creature is made of – the cleverer and stronger and freer it is—then the better it will be if it goes right, but also the worse it will be it if goes wrong. A cow cannot be very good or very bad; a dog can be both better and worse; a child better or worse still; an ordinary man, still more so; a man of genius, still more so; a superhuman spirit best—or worst—of all (p. 49).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
What do we want for our children? What would be the best thing we could ask God to grant our children? If we are honest, I think most of us (myself included), would pray that our children would do great things. Personally, I look for special moments to whisper in the ears of my boys, “I believe and pray this world will be a better place because of the life you live on it.”
After reading Lewis’ quote, I am convicted to pray differently. Now my prayers would sound something like, “Lord, grant my boys the humility to contain whatever ‘good works’ You have ordained for them to accomplish.” I realize I was inadvertently praying for a temptation without praying for the accompanying protection.
That is not to say that I think God would curse my boys for my imbalanced prayers. But my prayers (even for others) change me. When I bring things before the Father as “worthy of His attention” I am shaped to treasure those things. When I prayed for my boys to change the world without spending equal time praying for their character, I was reinforcing the distortions of my own heart.
Lewis’ quote on “better stuff” makes more sense of Jesus’ teaching/warning:
“But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:43-45)
Greatness must be protected from itself if it is to remain good. Power is ultimately remembered more for its impact than its magnitude. The most powerful figures in human history are rarely remembered fondly. Their character could not contain their influence.
Service (and its embedded virtue of humility) is the protection of greatness. It is one of the few cases where the wrapper should be valued more than the object. Greatness outside the wrapper of humility always mutates into evil.
May we pray regularly (for ourselves and our children), in light of the “better stuff” from which we are made, that God would grant us the humility to carry greatness (His image and the message of salvation) with integrity all of our days. Let us pray that we would pray for the wrapper with complete faith that when we have humility that God will grant all we need to accomplish all He intends (James 4:6).
Posted 1 year ago at 1:58 pm. 1 comment
Case Study: Martha was an empty nest single mom who had done the best she knew how and that time/energy had allowed. She looks back now with lots of regret as all four of her children are far from God and not looking to return. When they were in her home she stressed the importance of church, she often referenced Bible passages when she disciplined them, and always she prayed for each of them daily.
Todd is the wandering soul. He doesn’t know what he believes or what he wants. Occasionally he gets excited about some new hobby, job, relationship, or faith, but it never lasts long.
Amy is the child who is mired in depression. She is the one who spoke most about missing a father figure. Divorced and with a child of her own, Amy struggles to muster the energy to get to her minimum wage job. Child support (when it comes) and occasional assistance from Martha helps her “just get by.”
Doug is the child who got into drugs. Meth is his drug of choice. He stays high, doesn’t eat, and when Martha does see him it breaks her heart. Doug is rail thin with sunken eyes that reveal a soul as empty as Doug’s life really is.
Steve is the “successful child.” Steve saw his older siblings throw their life away and vowed not to repeat their mistakes. Steve went to college, got his degree, moved to the nearest major city, got a good job, and worked his way into several promotions in his brief time there. However, his obsession with work is already putting a strain on his marriage and Martha can see how much his kids miss their father. Steve occasionally tells Martha about a few of their marital arguments, but he can’t understand why his wife is upset when he’s “doing everything right.”
Martha thought she would get to rest when the kids all moved out. But babysitting, paying off debt, and the burden she carries for her children hardly let her rest. She knows she should pray for her kids, but a cynicism is growing within her because she has prayed for years and it hasn’t done any good. In her pain, she calls out to God, “Lord, give me the words to pray.”
Pre-Questions: This case study is meant to challenge you to think biblically about the real struggles of life. These questions will not be answered completely in the sections below. But they do represent the kind of struggles that are being wrestled with in Psalm 107. Use the question to both stir application and to give you new insight into the psalm.
- If Martha was in your small group or Sunday School class, what would be effective ways you could ministry to her?
- How would you respond when Martha expressed guilt and/or anger about the “train up a child” verse (Prov. 22:6)?
- How would you help Martha discern the line between enabling her children and loving her children (or her grandchildren)?
- How could you assist Martha as she struggles to not just give up hope?
Read Psalm 107 in your preferred Bible translation. The “rewrite” of Psalm 107 below is an attempt to capture the words that God would give Martha to pray (Romans 8:26-27). This would be something Martha would need to pray many times as she was burdened for her four children..
A re-write of Psalm 107
Martha Prays for Her Family: 1. Lord, You are good. I may struggle to see it, but if Your love was not trustworthy and unending I would be hopeless.
2. You have brought me through so many things as I raised my four children on my own. When we needed food, new tires for the car, or clothes for school some how You always provided. It is so easy to forget those times of faithfulness in the midst of the current hardships.
3. Right now we are scattered and need to be brought back to You and each other… again. We have gone to wandering, depression, drugs, and the American Dream. It feels like we have been scattered to the ends of the earth.
Martha Prays for Todd: 4. Todd wandered into wandering. He’s not connected, addicted, or committed to anything. There is nothing that guides his decision making and allows him to get anywhere.
5. He is starving to find something that gives meaning to life and gives direction to his choices. His heart has given up, checked out.
6. May Todd call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
7. Bring Todd back to the narrow way that leads to life, meaning, and satisfaction. Let him know what it means to live in a community of faith that cares for one another.
8. Bring Todd to the place where he can thank You for Your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace. Give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
9. Only You, Lord, can satisfy his search for meaning. His soul is hungry call him back to Yourself, the Bread of Life and Living Water.
Martha Prays for Amy: 10. Amy is in darkness and the shadow of depression is always covering her. She is a prisoner in her own sorrow, grief, self-pity, and shame. They weigh her down like shackles.
11. She listens to her pain and it drowns out any truth that comes to her ears. She refuses to hear instruction from Your Word because she believes it’s too hard, cliché, would work for someone better than her, or it just hurts too much to hope any more. If I mention the Bible, she just gets off the phone.
12. Bring her to the bottom of her pain and self-pity so she will look up to You. Remove from her life her friends who don’t want her to “do better” because then she would leave them behind. Those friends are not friends. Cause Amy to see how alone she is.
13. May Amy call to You in her troubles and be delivered from the mess she is making of his life.
14. Bring Amy out of the darkness and shadows. Break the emotional shackles that bind her.
15. When You do, let her see that it is (and only could be) You who freed her with your steadfast love, continual presence and ample grace. Give her a testimony of Your redemption that she can share with her friends and bring many to You.
16. For you are The Great Despair Buster. You are Hope! Life! and Peace! You are the Light that penetrates the darkness.
Martha Prays for Doug: 17. Doug is a fool because of his addiction and meth is his cruel master that causes his many pains.
18. He looks awful. He won’t eat. He’d rather be high, starve himself to death, and meet the destiny that awaits him.
19. May Doug call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
20. Send someone to Doug to speak truth to him that will penetrate his denial and lack of care. Wake him from his addiction and deliver Doug from the inevitable destruction it will bring.
21. When You do, let Doug see that Your steadfast love is stronger than the bonds of addiction; that Your continual presence is more comforting than the escape drugs provide; that Your ample grace is able to penetrate and remove the sting of guilt he fears when he gets sober. Give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
22. When Doug returns to You let him be as generous with life for Your glory as he was frivolous with his life for the temporary pleasure of drugs. Let him put the contrasts into words that he can share and point many to Your superior joy!
Martha Prays for Steve: 23. Steve has left for a better life. He is doing good business in the city. Steve is prospering in his job and getting the promotions he deserves.
24. Steve heeded the call of Your Word to work hard. He is reaping the benefits of following Your principles; by them You are raising him up.
25. Your Word is true and works whether those who are following it have genuinely surrendered their life to You or not.
26. But without You at the center of his life Steve cannot handle the success he has achieved. The more he has, does, and is, the more he gets in over his head. I can see when he realizes it; fear grips him. He is scared to death to be “a failure” like the rest of us.
27. He frantically pours himself back into his job, because he knows how to succeed there. But when his wife isn’t happy, the kids don’t appreciate him, and he has no peace, he doesn’t know what else to do.
28. May Steve call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
29. Let Steve see that You are the Peace that can calm the storm of his fear of failure. Let him come to grips that the Gospel calms the waves of a performance-driven, bottom-line existence.
30. Teach Steve to be content with a simpler life of worshipping You and loving his family. Bring him to that life You made him to live and for which he longs but cannot put into words.
31. When you do, let Steve see that “success” is merely resting in your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace. Out of that life-altering redefinition of success give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
32. Since You have raised him up to a position of influence, let him use that influence to call Your people back to “success” as You define it. They will listen to him because they admire him. May many people see that what You have to offer is better than what the world has to offer because of the change you bring in Steve’s life.
Martha Prays through New Wisdom: 33. Lord, You turn success into failure (Steve); comfort into pain (Doug); suffering into misery (Amy); and meaning into folly (Todd).
34. All this you do because we seek to live independent from You. Nothing we want is what we think it will be without You.
35. Lord, it is also true that You turn failure into success with Your grace; pain into comfort and misery into bearable suffering with Your presence; and folly into meaning with Your balance of truth and love.
36. You are inviting Todd, Doug, Amy, and Steve to come dwell with You when they will repent and acknowledge it is You they have been looking for all their lives.
37. When they surrender to You, I know they will begin to live differently. As they surrender to You more and more they will sow wisdom and reap blessings by the truth of Your Word and the grace of Your care.
38. Everything I want to give them is in You. My fretting for them and enabling of them is as foolish and broken as their sins. Only you can bless them as I try to bless them. Remind me that I cannot care for them better than You currently are.
39. It pains me to pray that they will be broken more so that they can be made whole by You. I know You often work to change our hearts through suffering.
40. Like a proud prince must be reminded he is only human, You have to show them their “wisdom” is empty. They must taste of fear of being completely lost and without hope before they will call to You to find them.
41. But I also know that You, Lord, raise people out of that kind of despair and pain when they quit trying to do it for themselves. You are the Good Shepherd who will go looking for Your one lost sheep (or my four).
42. I see that now, and for now, my fear is less. Thank you for returning to me the joy of Your salvation. I can be quiet in Your presence again.
43. I know I will battle the foolish doubt of You again, but return me to You in prayer for these things again and again. It is only your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace that can comfort this mother’s heart.
Passages for Further Study: Judges (for an account of God dealing with His children as they wandered and returned many times); Matthew 23:37-39; 3 John 4
Post Questions: Now that you have read Psalm 107, examined how Martha might rewrite it for his situation, and studied several other passages, consider the following questions:
- What do you learn from the repeated themes that arise in each sinful situation the “some” (v. 4, 10, 17, 23) find themselves in? What should we pray for everyone caught in sin?
- What do you learn from the unique aspects that are prayed for each of the sinful situations? How does God present Himself uniquely to each of His children to draw them from their particular sin?
- For what instances of regret or troubled friends/family do you need to re-write your own version of Psalm 107?
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