This resource is taken from the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” seminar notebook (February 12, 2012; 5:00 to 8:00 pm; The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue; 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).
If you’re question is, “What is the easy way to end a relationship that should have never started, but has become emotionally connected and/or sexually active?” The simple answer is, “There is not an easy way.”
The rebuttal would probably be, “But I really care about this person and don’t want to hurt them. I am more to blame for what has happened as they are. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt them.” The reality is that when a sinful relationship gets started someone, usually multiple people, are going to get hurt and hurt badly. The choice you have is not “if” someone is going to get hurt, but “who.”
Stop and think about it. How are you going to get out of the situation you’re in, where you have committed to love two people with a love that can only belong to one person, without hurting someone? You can’t. You will not make any wise, or even sane, decisions as long as you are holding out hope that an impossible reality is possible.
It is likely that a big reason why things have gotten to where they are is that you have been looking for an option that doesn’t exist. Several things are true at this moment and you will have to accept them all. Even if you choose to ignore them now, you will have to acknowledge them as reality at some point, and the longer you wait the more intense the consequences will be for everyone involved.
1. You are going to hurt one or more people that you care about.
2. You are going to have to be more honest with more people than you want to be.
3. An “easy” answer is not going to present itself that makes this situation “just go away.”
4. The rest of your life is going to radically change based upon what you do with what you’re reading.
5. Not just your life, but generations of your family, will be affected based upon what you do.
Three Steps to Freedom
Step One: Cut Off All Contact
Willingly cut off, disclose, and surrender all contact with your adultery partner in an open communication in which your spouse is overtly present and aware of all that is said. All five pieces of this step are vital and defined below.
1. Cut Off All Contact: It should be clearly stated that you are requesting no future contact for any reason, because you realize a romantic relationship outside of your marriage covenant is evil. It is appropriate to apologize for the harm you have caused this person, but you should equally affirm that any genuineness to your apology requires ending all contact. What Arterburn and Stoeker say about pornography is equally true of adultery, tapering down only increases the appetite for something that is still not being treated as evil and powerfully destructive.
“What works best with sexual impurity? Cold turkey. You cannot just taper down… With tapering, whatever impurity you do allow seems to multiply in its impact, and the habit won’t break (p. 109).” Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker in Everyman’s Battle
2. Disclose All Forms of Contact: Any form of contact should be disclosed to your spouse (i.e., secret cell phone, secret e-mail address, rendezvous times in your schedule, etc…). When you end the relationship you should tell your adultery partner that all of these forms of contact have been disclosed to your spouse as a way to reinforce that you are serious that no future contact is desired.
3. Willingly Surrender All Contact: You should hand over every form of contact to your spouse like a suicidal person needs to hand over their gun. You are not giving up something good, but something intended for self-inflicted destruction. Like a suicidal person looks at their gun as a friendly thing that is there to give them relief, you likely still look at these modes of contact through distorted lenses. You won’t feel like doing it until after you’ve done it.
4. Open Communication: Secrets have been part of the excitement of the illicit relationship. “Open” should mean that (a) you do not meet privately or in person to talk, (b) what you say is e-mailed to your adultery partner with your spouse carbon-copied, and (c) if married, you encourage your adultery partner to confess to their spouse.
Documenting the request for no future contact is advised in case a restraining order is needed should your adultery partner not comply with your request. In this kind of situation obtaining a restraining order requires proving that a clear request to cease communication has occurred (documented by your e-mail) and that continued “harassment” is occurring (documented by continued phone call, showing up at work, coming to your home, etc…). Taking these two pieces of evidence to your local law enforcement should be sufficient to obtain a restraining order if needed.
This step may have legal, safety, or employment consequences. The consequences of sin are part of the trap Satan sets to keep us in our sin. Forsaking sin is always an act of faith in God. In this case, it may not only be faith in God’s superiority to sin, but also faith in God’s ability to provide or protect when the consequences of sin are realized. You must realize and remember that prolonging a sinful relationship does nothing to make the situation “better” for anyone involved. Delayed consequences only grow and make obedience to God harder.
5. Spouse Overtly Present: One way we communicate who we love most is by who we talk to about another. When you talked about your spouse to your adultery partner that revealed your primary allegiance. By now talking about your adultery partner to your spouse and refusing any communication with your adultery partner, you are reversing this allegiance. If you communicate the termination of the relationship by phone, your spouse should at least be in the room while you talk, or if by e-mail, your spouse should be carbon-copied on the e-mail.
Step Two: Avoid the “Closure Trap”
There is no such thing as closure after adultery. Closure is a word that gives the impression of a settled, happy ending. One of the two romantic relationships in your life will die an awkward painful death. More uncomfortable still, you are going to decide which relationship (marriage or adultery) dies and then stand over it; watching it die. This will either happen in divorce court or now. But in either option you choose, there will be no “closure” for the dying relationship.
You might ask, “Why are you being so graphic and harsh?” The reason is simple—“closure” is the lie most people follow back into adultery multiple times while trying to restore their marriage. Closure is an innocent word that masks its devastating consequences. Naively following the closure lie will make the already difficult road ahead of you longer, steeper, and rockier. When you hear the lie, plug your ears and run!
Step Three: Disclose All Attempted Contact
Ending an adultery relationship requires more than doing the right thing one time after you’ve been caught. If your adultery occurred in an ongoing relationship, the other person will likely not want the relationship to end. Your sin will not stay away while you pursue godly character. Your adultery partner is very likely to fight for the relationship they thought was theirs to have.
It is absolutely vital that you disclose any contact, attempted contact, or potential attempted contact by your adultery partner to your spouse. Even if you get a phone call from an unknown number, choose not to answer it, and no voice mail is left tell your spouse. If a friend of the adultery partner gives you a note refuse to read, tell your spouse and (if necessary) take the note as the second piece of evidence needed to get a restraining order.
This relationship should be treated like a poisonous snake in the house with your children. Even if the snake is in another room, you would take every measure possible to destroy the snake because you know the snake is a predator and its presence, even in another room, puts them in mortal danger. Any undisclosed contact from your adultery partner is just as deadly to your relationship with God, your marriage, and the future of any children you have.
Posted 3 days, 21 hours ago at 11:29 am. Add a comment
The presentation of the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” seminar will be Sunday February 12, 2012 from 5:00 to 8:00 pm at The Summit Church Brier Creek South Venue (2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).
Below is the material needed to complete the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery” program at The Summit Church (Durham, NC). If you are interested in studying this material as a part of a recovery program, which we call Freedom Groups, please click here for more information and to get connected.
From this material we offer four ministry options: (1) Married Men’s Purity Group, (2) Single Men’s Purity Group, (3) Women’s Purity Group, and (4) meeting with a supervised graduate counseling intern for personal counseling.
NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr ([email protected]), office administrator over counseling.
STEP 1.
ADMIT I have a struggle I cannot overcome without God.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Evaluation” assessment click here: Sexual Sin Assessment
For the “Pride vs. Brokenness” appendix click here:
For the “How to End an Extra-Marital Relationship” appendix click here:
STEP 2.
ACKNOWLEDGE the breadth and impact of my sin.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “How to Talk to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family” appendix click here: Appendix Talking to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family
STEP 3.
UNDERSTAND the origin, motive, and history of my sin.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Journal” from click here: Sexual Sin Journal
STEP 4.
REPENT TO GOD for how my sin replaced and misrepresented Him.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 5.
CONFESS TO THOSE AFFECTED for harm done and seek to make amends.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Sexual Sin Confession Guide” click here: Confession Guide for Sexual Sin
STEP 6.
RESTRUCTURE MY LIFE to rely on God’s grace and Word to transform my life.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 7.
IMPLEMENT the new structure pervasively with humility and flexibility.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
For the “Implementation Evaluation Tool” click here: Sexual Sin Plan Eval Form
STEP 8.
PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
STEP 9.
STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.
Video Segment Will Be Placed Here (thank you for your patience)
Posted 1 week, 4 days ago at 12:22 pm. 1 comment
How many times has a friend or family member of yours been affected by sexual sin – their own or their spouses’? How many times have you felt really uncomfortable, knowing you should say something, but not knowing what to say? With the current rates of pornography usage and extra-marital sex close to 100% of people could think of at least one occurrence of those situations in the last year.
As a church, we cannot pretend this issue does not exist, choose to remain ignorant on these subjects, or hide behind the excuse that these are private matters. Consider this warning given by Martin Luther:
“If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all.” Martin Luther as quoted by Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 10).
It is for this reason that the Summit counseling ministry is presenting two EQUIP seminars in February. These are free seminars. We hope that many people in our church and community will benefit from learning how the Gospel speaks to these epidemic struggles. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from this material.
False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery
February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed
Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.
Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.
Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.
True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed
There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.
Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?
The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.
Posted 2 weeks, 3 days ago at 12:22 pm. 4 comments
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on I Peter 3:1-7 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday December 3-4, 2011.
This passage raises many sincere debates about gender roles. What does it mean for a wife to “submit” to her husband, especially with a husband “who does not obey the word (v. 1)”? How unhealthy can a marriage be and this principle still apply? How far away from the God’s Word can a husband’s leadership get and a wife’s submission not be trumped by her call to honor God?
Many more questions can be raised about good gender roles. But I find that these discussions usually get off on the wrong foot (at least in my opinion). They begin with a discussion of what it means to lead and what it means to follow. I do not find that to be the first question Scripture typically asks. In the predominant passage about Christian leadership, character is emphasized over function (1 Tim. 3:-13). Even in this passage Peter’s description of the husband’s role seems to emphasize his character over his authority (v. 7).
If I were to teach on gender roles in marriage (and I will be teaching a seminar on the subject this Spring – stay tuned to the blog for dates, details, and then videos), I would start the conversation differently. Here would be my outline (headings only for now) of the “job description” for a husband and wife.
1. Character qualities required of every Christian to foster mutually blessing relationships. This would be a practical examination of a balanced expression of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-24) cautioning against both the aggressive and passive distortion of each character quality. If a husband or wife is not pursuing these in increasing measure, his/her primary concern should not be how their spouse is responding to him/her.
2. Expectations of a Christian in all relationships. These responsibilities would outline the “one another” commands of the New Testament. Too often we neglect to treat those in our own home like we are called to live in every relationship. Anything that the Bible teaches about the marriage relationship would be built upon an enrichment of these foundational pillars of health and vitality for all relationships. When we miss this, we think these are things we have to do because our spouse gets upset when we don’t, and then we use our obedience as a bargaining chip to gain leverage in the marriage.
3. Mutual responsibilities of a husband and wife towards one another in marriage. This would look at the paragraph that introduces Paul’s most famous writing on marriage roles – Ephesians 5:15-21 – which concludes with the description “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” These responsibilities of the job description would look at the components of married life that are shared and do not contain any biblical precedent for gender preference. Who does what house chores? Who administrates the budget? These kinds of things can be done by either spouse, must be managed within a marriage, and should be done as matters of mutual service or blessing.
4. Gender specific responsibilities of husband and wife. This would build from the headship and submission we see modeled in the Trinity as the example of how to apply the unique gender roles for husbands and wives found in passages like Ephesians 5:21-33, I Peter 3:1-7, and others. It is only those responsibilities that fall under this fourth heading that would be different between the “Biblical Job Description for a Husband” and the “Biblical Job Description for a Wife.” If both spouses are not committed to fulfilling the elements in headings 1-3, then any application of headship and submission will be uncomfortable and broken. No one will like it, and no one will be happy.
I believe the best way to begin the conversation about I Peter 3:1-7 is to realize that Peter is saying that apart from safety concerns (remember his role of government in 2:14 affirmed by Paul in Romans 13:1-7) maintaining consistency with God’s design in “Heading 4” is healthiest for the entire family even when the husband is not fulfilling his “Headings 1-3” responsibilities.
The point of this outline is to illustrate my premise for where we begin wrongly in debating a passage like I Peter 3:1-7. We begin with the function of the husband and wife rather than the character of the husband and wife. Peter’s point was not that the husband of verse one was a bad leader (part of heading 4), but that he had a bad character (headings 1-3). He was instructing the wife on how God would have her exert influence over her husband (see “may be won” in verse one) while maintaining her own character and devotion towards God.
Posted 2 months ago at 12:16 pm. Add a comment
I was recently counseling a couple who were really struggling. Their effort at counseling had been quite low; very little of what had been discussed or assigned was being implemented. Oddly, both of them seemed more committed to counseling than the marriage. There was a sincere desperation that marked the conversations.
As we talked about the key dynamics that needed to change, there was agreement on most every point. It was bizarre. They would both admit was they needed to change to each other and did not get defensive when their spouse agreed with them.
The problem was that this was our third session like this. We were like a football team. Everyone was lined up and knew their assignment. We read the defense accurately and were confidant that the play call would be effective. Each of the players had rehearsed his or her function and could execute the play. What was wrong?!
After a little conversation about the repetitive nature of our sessions, we concluded they had given up. They were not leaving the marriage (not yet anyway); they had just given up on it. There was no sense of hope that anything (even if seemingly well suited to their situation) would do any lasting good.
The question became, “How do you overcome giving up?” Every answer seemed to begin with try harder and that was just redundantly restating the problem a second time all over again. It was like the comic book villain whose special power was feeding off of energy. Everything the good guys did to attack him made him stronger.
Here was the solution we reached – gratitude. I began to highlight the difference by telling a story (slight historical fiction) about my son. He comes home from school and is very frustrated by his math homework. The problems don’t make any sense and the longer he tries the more daunting the few pages become. Eventually he looks at me and says, “Papa, I just can’t do it.”
Seeing the sincere despair on his face (and getting the opportunity to respond to a story I authored) I said, “Bud, I’m proud of you. It would be easy to quit and go to your room to play with your toys. But I admire you. You’re the kind of kid who stays at the table. That’s impressive. And that’s why I know you’re going to do great things. You have a character that is stronger than a math problem is hard.” Then we hugged and figured out the math problem (at least when I get to make up the story).
The point to the couple was this. Don’t do anything you are not already doing. Just say “thank you” for the things that are already happening. Any time you see something that your spouse could have left undone or unsaid, affirm them. Any time they are in the room when they could have stayed away, express appreciation. Any time they ask a question when they could have let silence stand, say thank you and then respond.
Why this homework? I believe there is a link between gratitude and hope. Without hope, effort is lifeless. It’s like eating celery; the act of chewing takes more calories than the vegetable contains so the digestion results in a net loss of calories. Gratitude was an attempt to create jumper cables for hope in an attempt to put life back into their most basic efforts.
What do we take away from this case study reflection? First, counseling is about more than giving the right answer. Second, counseling requires flexibility when “the right answer” isn’t working. Third, gratitude can be more effective at overcoming giving up than a new technique.
Posted 2 months ago at 10:43 am. Add a comment
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for everyone. I do not think that… There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not (p.112).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
This is a very intriguing proposal. I readily admit that I do not know what the political ramifications would be in light of the modern debates on the definition of marriage. But I am interested in what would happen if their was an “opt in” marriage covenant that could only be annulled if biblical criteria for divorce were met and at least one person was willing to sacrifice expulsion from a primary social community for being unrepentant towards his/her spouse.
- Would there be more Christians “opt out” of this covenant because it was too restrictive or more non-Christians “opt in” because they wanted to declare their love in the most binding way?
- Would the divorce rate between the two be similar; meaning, once someone in the covenant marriage wanted out of a marriage they would be willing to commit the necessary sin to “qualify” or does convenience play a dominant role in modern divorce statistics?
- Would the rate of contentment be higher in covenant marriages if divorce were not a viable option?
- How many churches and which ones would be willing to accept the responsibility of overseeing these covenant marriages in the manner Lewis describes?
- Would those who chose not to “opt in” to a covenant marriage admire or disdain those couples who did chose a covenant marriage?
- Would the presence of a covenant marriage affect the level of insecurity in middle school or high school students in those homes (ages chosen to reflect a time when sons and daughters would clearly understand the significance of their parents’ decision)?
- Would the traumatic effects of divorce be less for those who did not chose a covenant marriage since they chose before marriage not to declare the relationship permanently binding?
- How would the conversations of dating couples change as they moved towards engagement and had to decide which option their suitor wanted to pursue?
I think we all have our theories about these kinds of questions and could add to the list with a bit more reflection. But what would the data reveal if the questions could be studied empirically? What sort of culture shifts would occur if every couple getting married were faced with this choice?
Posted 3 months, 1 week ago at 11:21 am. Add a comment
Most people who are married have turned to their spouse and said, “You don’t act this way around anyone else” or “You don’t treat anyone else this way.” Occasionally it is meant as a compliment, but more often than not these statements are meant to infer, “I am getting a raw deal.” There are many explanations for this phenomenon, but in this post we will examine one explanation with two faces—the absence of humility.
Face One: Refusal to Live in My Weaknesses
Have you noticed that we spend the majority of our day operating in areas of specialized training, well-practiced skills, and personal interests? Then we come home. When we get home we are asked to do a wide variety of tasks, many of which we have no particular passion for or interest in. It is these tasks that we do to love and serve those we know best, while those we are least committed to get our fine tuned excellence.
The response we too often give is to draw back from, neglect, or grumble about these tasks that are not our strength. We may call it insecurity, but it is more often a form of pride. “If I cannot do it with excellence and receive affirmation, then I will not do it at all or with much effort,” is our logic. “I get to operate in my strength all day long and know how to succeed in that world. If I am not sure that I will be a success, then I will not try.”
It takes great humility and the heart of a servant to live in the area of my weakness for the love and welfare of another. When we are willing to live in our weakness for the benefit of others, God rewards this humility with more grace. This grace is realized when we resist the pride (“I should be good at whatever I do”) and take joy in imperfect (yet growing) service.
Face Two: Refusal to Accept My Spouse’s Weaknesses
There is humility in action. Then there is humility in expectation and evaluation. We move from the paralysis of fear rooted in an expectation of personal excellence to the mantra, “Haven’t I already told you that” or “How many times have you done that and still not gotten it right?”
The pride has mutated. The pride now says, “I would have been able to do that, so you should be able to do that.” Whereas before pride was holding me up to a level of elevated expectation, now pride raises my ability or expectation as the standard for you to meet. In both cases, the absent effort or harsh tone is rooted in “I should” or “I could” (pride).
Patience is rooted in humility. Patience accepts that imperfection, error, inefficiency, and incompleteness are not beneath me. That is humility. When we extend this form of humility to our spouse (and children) we are incarnating the grace of God. God rewards this dispositional obedience (yes, obedience to God can be as much attitude as activity) with more grace.
When we put these two faces of humility into practice we experience a home where the atmosphere is marked by the grace of God and we experience the redemptive joy God intended in a Christian marriage and family.
Posted 3 months, 2 weeks ago at 11:23 am. Add a comment
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“They [Christians] all regard divorce as something like cutting up a body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment (p.105).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Why does this part of the divorce discussion seem to get omitted from the conversation? In that sense it is similar to the abortion debate. The vast majority of the conversation focuses exclusively upon the moral/legal nature of the action.
There are many things that are legal (possibly moral) which are so painful or have such long standing negative effects that we would encourage everyone to avoid them. Divorce causes great harm to everyone involved (both spouses, children, grandparents, extended family, and friends). Similarly, the post-traumatic effects of an abortion are rarely discussed in our cultural debates.
In my opinion, there are times when divorce is warranted, but most people whom I counsel that are considering divorce have not given it the same thought that they would if they were considering amputating their legs. The more common logic is, “Doesn’t God want me to be happy? How does being in a miserable marriage teach my children anything good?”
I am merely raising the question: Would these be the decisive questions we would ask if we were considering a life bound to a wheelchair? Would we be as confidant in our assumption that the respective answers would be “Yes, there is more happiness without legs,” and “There is nothing worthwhile your children can learn from your efforts to preserve your legs.”
I recognize that many people will read this reflection and feel defensive or intense guilt. There are many people who think through their decision thoroughly and with godly counsel. My intent is not to add to their emotional turmoil.
But if over 50% of the adult population in America lacked legs, would we not begin to question the criteria by which the decision to amputate was made? The nature of the impairment would necessitate that we raise the question.
I don’t think that most people who have experienced divorce (first hand or that of their parents) would consider C.S. Lewis’ language to be that much of a hyperbole. I regularly talk to divorcees and children of divorce who use equally graphic language. Even those who do not feel “impaired” by their divorce experience most often say it was more painful than they anticipated
So what do we take away from this? I believe we must expand the conversation on divorce. The moral/legal components are very important, but they are not the whole subject. There is the pain and suffering on the other side of divorce.
Culturally, the debate has degenerated into, “You cannot tell me what to do with my life. Who are you to judge me?” But if someone is getting ready to have a major medical procedure, the doctor is required to inform the patient of the potential fall out so the patient can make an informed decision.
I would contend that the tone of the moral debate on divorce (as well as abortion, drugs, and other subjects) has degenerated to the point that autonomy has clouded and polarized the flow of information to the point that it is hard to make an informed decision.
Posted 4 months, 2 weeks ago at 11:06 am. 2 comments
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“The old Christian teachers said that if man had never fallen, sexual pleasure, instead of being less than it is now, would actually have been greater (p. 98).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
If you had to fill in the blank on, “If [blank], then it would have been the best sex ever,” how would you fill in the blank? It’s an important question, because whether you’ve ever articulated the answer, chances are you are rating your sex life by the answer and in some way trying to make it a reality.
If only I were 20 pounds lighter or 10 years younger. If only my spouse were 20 pounds lighter or 10 years younger. If only sex were not such a big deal, and there wasn’t so much pressure. If only we could get that spark back or have a spontaneous moment like on “those” commercials. If only we dated more. If only we took more romantic get-aways.
Honestly, any of those things might improve your sex life in some sense of the word improve. But if we made a list of the biggest sex killers it would not include weight, figure, anatomy, culture, lack of romance, age, lack of creativity, or lack of spontaneity.
The list of top sex life killers would include shame, fear, selfishness, laziness, insecurity, infidelity, promiscuity, comparison, and lust. What kills our sex life is not outside of us (our body, our spouse, or our culture). What kills our sex life is inside of us (sin).
Imagine the opportunity to express yourself sexually with one person in a context of complete commitment without any sense of self-preoccupation or shame. You were solely devoted to enjoying their pleasure, and they were solely devoted to enjoying your pleasure. Neither of you were comparing each other to another partner, and discontentment was not present to make the relationship feel mundane. That was the design of sex before the Fall.
That would have been the best sex ever.
What’s the point of fantasizing about such an ideal? The point is that we are already fantasizing about an ideal, but it is not one that leads us towards God’s design. Because we do not truly believe that God’s ideal would be the most satisfying sex possible, we try to improve upon it.
But all our improvements on God’s design destroy us. It would be easy to rail against our pride and rebellion at this point. But let me make an appeal based upon our foolishness and short-sightedness. We have been so wrong about what we were looking for (a misguided definition of good sex), for so long that we are now getting upset when we find it.
So let me propose that we daydream about great sex (as God defines it). What would this change? Us. What we daydream about has a powerful influence upon our entire person. It would change the things that had influence over us.
What would it require? Jesus. Admittedly, this entire reflection is highly idealistic without a radical change in human nature. Apart from the intervention of God’s grace in our life we do not want what is best for us. We need the new heart that God offers through Christ. But until we begin to fantasize about the kind of life that would be actually satisfying, we will continue to chase a multitude of “if only’s” that lead us to false gods and crushed souls.
Posted 5 months, 1 week ago at 12:32 pm. Add a comment
This is not a political blog. It is neither for nor against any party or candidate. But in the midst of the recent Republican debate a question was raised of Michelle Bachmann about how her beliefs in the biblical teaching on wives submitting to their own husbands (Eph. 5:22) would affect her service to our country if she were elected president.
I believe this is a unique context in which evangelicals can define our beliefs on this issue. Most often we are the one’s initiating this topic of conversation or defending against an attack. In this context, however, we have the opportunity to join an existing cultural conversation.
I do not pretend that what I have to say will represent all evangelicalism on this subject. But I do hope that these reflections can be a constructive part of the conversation. While I will discuss two areas in which I disagree with the Bachmann family and one where I would articulate their point differently, I do not intend for this post to question the genuineness of their faith.
I fully recognize that I am limited to responding to a sound bite (which may not accurately represent the Bachmann family), but since that is what is in the cultural dialogue, I believe it is appropriate to do so provided one speaks with humility and about the issue rather than against the person.
I merely think this is an important time for evangelicals to enter the cultural dialogue in a positive, edifying way. I greatly appreciate the fact that the Bachmann family is willing to express their beliefs and invite our country to a discussion of marriage where the husband and wife love one another and seek to honor each other. I believe that alone is a significant, positive change in most conversations we have about marriage and family in the political realm.
Disagree About Career Choice
I would disagree with the application of submission that Michelle Bachmann made about submission to her husband and the choice to study tax law in her 2006 statement. In my opinion this over extends the jurisdiction of submission. Choosing the field of work for one’s wife is not what it means for a husband to lead his family.
My wife has been a full time teacher, full time mother, part time financial coach, and considered taking up refinishing antique furniture. The only role that submission has played in those decisions is in determining whether our family was in a position whether those transitions were wise and feasible for our family given our season of life and financial status at that time.
Our initial conversations were about the priorities by which we wanted to guide our family and those things my wife would find most fulfilling. With agreement on priorities (without which marriage is generally messy; not just with reference to submission), the points at which submission becomes relevant would be feasibility and timing.
Irrelevant to White House
While I don’t know how it would have come across in a political debate or if it would have fit in her allotted 60 second response time, I believe the question about submission and the presidency should have been responded to as a bad question. Submission is a relational dynamic that applies to the home and not the work place.
When my wife was a teacher, her responding to me in a submissive way did not mean that she should have felt compelled to utilize each of my classroom management suggestions. Once we made a family decision that her teaching was a good choice for our family during that season of our lives, my role as her husband to her as a teacher became one of love and support, not leadership over her educational responsibilities.
The question she was asked framed submission in a way which implied submission removed the voice of women (both in and outside the home). Any articulation of submission which does this is one that I believe misapplies biblical teaching.
More Than Respect
With that said, I would have to disagree with Michelle Bachmann’s assertion that submission merely means respecting her husband. While Ephesians 5:33 says that a wife should respect her husband, Ephesians 5:22 calls wives to submit to their own husbands. If they were the same, both would not need to be said.
In a relationship that is life long and requires the sharing of so many precious assets (not just money, time, and house, but children, interests, and faith), someone must have a final say. I cannot fathom how any relationship between fallen people would function otherwise.
However, let me state this just as clearly and with equal confidence: any marriage that is relying upon submission regularly in its decision making is an unhealthy marriage that has much bigger problems than gender roles. If I asked my wife to submit to me in a decision and she resisted, then I would either assume I had failed to lovingly understand and display sincere value for her position or that we had problems in other areas of our personal-marital life that I was unaware of or neglecting. Either way, my next response as a husband called to love my wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25) is to listen better as I examine my own heart.
Posted 5 months, 3 weeks ago at 11:45 am. Add a comment
