I was recently reminded of how when you talk to someone, it affects the effectiveness of what you are trying to say. When you try to talk to someone who is discouraged after trying to do “the right thing” and failing, anything instructional is often hard for them to receive. They feel like, “Great, here is something else I won’t be able to do.”
Other times you might talk to someone who is desperate after trying to do “the right thing” and failing. They can be like a sponge wanting to know another way. However, their desperation can lead them to quickly dismiss instruction if the results are not as prompt as their emotions demand.
There are many other dispositions with which you might talk to someone who failed and equally as many dispositions after someone succeeds. But the point is, what has just happened “before” affects how they listen. If you pay attention, that can be a real advantage to building trust as a counselor.
For the first person mentioned above, acknowledging how hard it would be to hear “one more thing” you “should have done” would be very encouraging. They would at least know that whatever guidance they receive next would be from a person who understood them.
The second person would benefit from having someone speak to the “pace” of their desperation before speaking to the content of their struggle. Unless this happened the wisest counsel would get lost in the intensity of their “try anything” to “fix it now” mindset which is retention-light and even weaker on perseverance.
I think this is a dynamic we have to be particularly aware of for those believers who sincerely try to please God and are facing a significant struggle of suffering (an intense struggle not caused by their personal sin). At this point, sin has the advantage of talking second.
Sin (here used as a personification that might be negative influencing friend or an escapist habit) can listen to the hurts of the believer and express compassion for their plight. All of the questions raised are questions against (even if only from confusion) the Christian faith.
Sin can respond with the momentum of these questions at its back. It has the advantage of swimming with our emotional current. The thoughts and emotions of the suffering believer are set us to receive what sin has to say and offer.
This is why we must be able to not only give answers but respond to a person. In cases like these, the response will be more soul-winning (used in terms of discipleship more than evangelism) that the content of our answers.
I think this dynamic is equally relevant when we are talking to broken unbelievers. In these cases, all of the previously discussed advantages of sin are working for the Christian faith. The broken unbeliever is asking questions that are against the old life (looking for a new life).
We can now respond and listen to their hurts and express compassion for their plight. We have the momentum of sin’s broken promises at our back. Their thoughts and emotions are looking for something more solid that what they’ve known.
In many ways, the principle is simple – and therefore easy to forget. We must listen and not lose the person in the topic of the conversation. A conversation happens between two points in a person’s life. We must read the momentum if we are going to effectively influence the direction of the ship.
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“I have often thought to myself how it would have been if, when I served in the first World War, I and some young German had killed each other simultaneously and found ourselves together a moment after death. I cannot imagine that either of us would have felt any resentment or even any embarrassment. I think we might have laughed over it (p. 119).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
It must be noted that this quote is based upon Lewis’ personal speculations and his own retrospective assessment of what his response would be in a purely hypothetical circumstance. So whatever we do with this quote, we should not treat it as doctrine.
But the quote does challenge us to consider the question, “How much difference will Heaven make for the greatest atrocities and offenses we face now?” This is a question that runs a great risk of being misused.
Many would use a question like this to minimize the pain or significance of current suffering. There is no indication (nor would I suggest as a good idea) that Lewis used this type of question to belittle the dangers he faced in WWI. Neither would it have been of any benefit to manipulate himself into thinking, “the young German doesn’t really mean to take my life with the bullets he’s firing over my head.”
“Perspective” should never be used to craft an alternative reality. Perspective does not make danger less dangerous, evil less evil, or pain less painful.
So what good does perspective bring to suffering?
In a word – hope.
This perspective gained from the kind of reflection Lewis is engaging in reminds us that evil never gets the final or definitive word. God’s redemption is so complete that the darkest evil becomes like the awkward moment before the punch line in a really good joke.
In that moment of awkwardness, you legitimately do not know how to respond. It feels like the story is painfully incomplete or about to become offensive. Then with the punch line the size of the awkwardness only serves to accentuate the humor.
Again, it should be said, any use of “perspective” that seeks to minimize the painfully awkward moments in which we live on this side of God’s redemption, is a poor (possibly abusive or traumatic) use of perspective.
The point of perspective is to remind us that while evil may be “winning,” it cannot “win.” With this thought secured, then core aspects of personhood – hope, courage, meaning – are able to withstand the barrage of suffering.
The main lie of suffering – this is all we will ever know – is broken. It is as if an evil enchantment of mental and emotional slavery (we are dealing with C.S. Lewis, the author of Narnia) has been lifted from our soul. We remain a person who have been given personhood by the King’s authority which cannot be usurped by any invading tyrants (or German soldiers) or intrusions into our lives.
We are free children of the King, who must be reminded of who we are. When we remember, and even more when we enter His kingdom, the threats of this world will be like silly jokes. But again, that should give us hope, not cause us to minimize the threats of this world.
I was recently counseling a couple who were really struggling. Their effort at counseling had been quite low; very little of what had been discussed or assigned was being implemented. Oddly, both of them seemed more committed to counseling than the marriage. There was a sincere desperation that marked the conversations.
As we talked about the key dynamics that needed to change, there was agreement on most every point. It was bizarre. They would both admit was they needed to change to each other and did not get defensive when their spouse agreed with them.
The problem was that this was our third session like this. We were like a football team. Everyone was lined up and knew their assignment. We read the defense accurately and were confidant that the play call would be effective. Each of the players had rehearsed his or her function and could execute the play. What was wrong?!
After a little conversation about the repetitive nature of our sessions, we concluded they had given up. They were not leaving the marriage (not yet anyway); they had just given up on it. There was no sense of hope that anything (even if seemingly well suited to their situation) would do any lasting good.
The question became, “How do you overcome giving up?” Every answer seemed to begin with try harder and that was just redundantly restating the problem a second time all over again. It was like the comic book villain whose special power was feeding off of energy. Everything the good guys did to attack him made him stronger.
Here was the solution we reached – gratitude. I began to highlight the difference by telling a story (slight historical fiction) about my son. He comes home from school and is very frustrated by his math homework. The problems don’t make any sense and the longer he tries the more daunting the few pages become. Eventually he looks at me and says, “Papa, I just can’t do it.”
Seeing the sincere despair on his face (and getting the opportunity to respond to a story I authored) I said, “Bud, I’m proud of you. It would be easy to quit and go to your room to play with your toys. But I admire you. You’re the kind of kid who stays at the table. That’s impressive. And that’s why I know you’re going to do great things. You have a character that is stronger than a math problem is hard.” Then we hugged and figured out the math problem (at least when I get to make up the story).
The point to the couple was this. Don’t do anything you are not already doing. Just say “thank you” for the things that are already happening. Any time you see something that your spouse could have left undone or unsaid, affirm them. Any time they are in the room when they could have stayed away, express appreciation. Any time they ask a question when they could have let silence stand, say thank you and then respond.
Why this homework? I believe there is a link between gratitude and hope. Without hope, effort is lifeless. It’s like eating celery; the act of chewing takes more calories than the vegetable contains so the digestion results in a net loss of calories. Gratitude was an attempt to create jumper cables for hope in an attempt to put life back into their most basic efforts.
What do we take away from this case study reflection? First, counseling is about more than giving the right answer. Second, counseling requires flexibility when “the right answer” isn’t working. Third, gratitude can be more effective at overcoming giving up than a new technique.
Many people share this testimony. If you do, know that you are not alone and that God longs to give you words and His companionship in the midst of this experience. What follows is a sample of God concerns for you might look and sound like and is rooted largely in Psalm 88.
This is a dark Psalm, but only one among many dark Psalms. Again, God knew we would need many expressions for the suffering we face in a fallen world. To help u see this, read Psalm 88 – the “black hole” of dark Psalms. Read it slowly and let it have its full impact. The only hope in this Psalm is that is it addressed to God. For a moment, let the cynicism of the questions grip you; let the fruitless search for answers swallow you.
Psalm 88
1O Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. 2Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! 3For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. 4I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, 5like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. 6You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. 7Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah 8You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; 9my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O Lord; I spread out my hands to you. 10Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah 11Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? 12Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? 13But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. 14O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? 15Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. 16Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. 17They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. 18You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.
An alternate translation of that final phrase could be “darkness has become my only companion (see ESV footnote).” Where is the hope in this? What are we supposed to take from such a grim passage? Paul Tripp answers this way:
Psalm 88 gives us hope in our grief precisely because it has no hope in it! It means that God understands the darkness we face. He is right there in it with us, “an ever-present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1). The Lord of light is your friend in darkness. The Lord of life stands beside you in death. The Lord of hope is your companion in your despair. The Prince of Peace supports you when no peace can be found. The God of all comfort waits faithfully near you. The Source of all joy is close by when death has robbed you of joy.[1]
God invites us to come to Him in all of our brokenness even before we attempt to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” Our Messiah is one who, “was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Is. 53:3). In these Psalms we get a picture of deep the incarnation went into our world of suffering and how uncomfortably close we must be willing to our friend’s suffering if we are going to counseling in a way that reflects the personal touch of the Gospel.
If this is your experience at this time of year, you might also find encouragement in my post “Gospel-Driven Counseling for Suffering (Psalm 102)” a free audio download of a sermon on God’s identification with and comfort for our suffering.
[1] Paul David Tripp, Grief: Finding Hope Again (Greensboro, N.C.: New Growth Press, 2004), 5.
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Despair” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday August 6-7, 2011.
“Can medication help me overcome a struggle with despair? Is taking medication a sign that I don’t trust God in the midst of my suffering? How would I know if my despair was biologically caused or if I were only taking medication to seek relief from the intensity of my despair?”
These questions (and the large number of related question) are big questions that touch many areas of life. There is a great deal of debate about these questions in both secular and Christian circles.
Let’s start by listening to two counselors our church trusts (David Powlison and Ed Welch) seek to answer several related questions: How does Biblical Counseling view psychiatric drugs? Can my body make me sin?
From this we can conclude that medication for despair (or other forms of physical and emotional suffering) is not a matter of right and wrong, but wise or unwise; good fit or bad fit based upon our personal struggle. That means that there is no universal answer for every reader of this blog.
There will be times when medication is the wise, good fit because a struggle has biological origins. There will be times when medication is the wise, good fit because it tames situational emotions to the point that biblical wisdom can be more effectively applied. There will be times when medication is unwise because it is used to numb life without asking questions that penetrate to the core of our lack of hope.
So that raises another question, “What would reasonable expectations be if I chose to take medication?” A simple answer (which is all blog posts allow) is that medication can reduce suffering, but it cannot give hope. Medication can alleviate pain, but it cannot produce joy. When we use medication to produce joy, that is called a drug high, and that is an unhealthy form of pharmacological escape.
Hope requires that life has meaning, purpose, and significance. We might even say that despair is simply the absence of hope. While medication may diminish the pain created by a hope void, it cannot fill the void. Only Christ can do that. So even if we decide it is wise and a good fit to take medication, we must continue to pursue the questions David Powlison alluded to in his video or we will merely move from feeling pain to feeling nothing. While this is progress, it is not a destination that will satisfy the human soul.
A short post like this can never answer the breadth of questions this subject raises, so I will conclude by offering two resources by Ed Welch for your continued reflection. The first is an article “Hope for the Depressed” which further examines what it means to seek hope and answers to the larger questions in the midst of depression.
The second is the book Blame It on the Brain? Distinguishing Chemical Imbalances, Brain Disorders, and Disobedience. This book examines the mind-body relationships (how does that little immaterial voice in my head relate to my physical brain organ?) and then provides guidance on dividing life struggles into three categories: the brain did it (examples: Alzheimer’s and dementias); maybe the brain did it (examples: depression and attention deficit disorder); and the brain didn’t do it (homosexuality and alcoholism).
Based upon the subjects that Dr. Welch addresses, you can see that he does not attempt to tackle the full breadth of struggles for which the question of medication may arise. You can also see that there are some struggles (like the subject of this post: depression and despair) which he concludes may or may not have biological cause base depending on each individual who struggles.
What you will find in this book is a theologically-robust, clinically informed, readable treatment of the subject when medication is a wise path for Christians to take. You will also find guidance on how to ask the larger questions of relating to God in the midst of your struggle regardless of what you decide about medication.
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “what now” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Surprise: Luke 1:5-25,” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday March 5-6, 2011.
In this sermon we saw Elizabeth and Zechariah deal with suffering in the form of infertility. The Bible goes out of its way to emphasize this suffering was not the result God punishing this couple (v. 6). Yet at the same time we also saw Zechariah experience God’s discipline for his sin of unbelief (v. 20). Two different kinds of bad things were happening, but we can be sure the unpleasant emotions (anger, shame, grief, overwhelmed, confusion) blurred the line between the two in the mind and heart of this couple.
During difficult seasons, we can experience the same confusion. It feels like everything is against us and we can’t catch a break, so we assume God is punishing us for something we did wrong. The Psalmist felt that way (Psalm 102:10) in his suffering (v. 1-9) even when there was no indication of his sin or God’s anger in the passage.
We want an answer, we’re mentally spent by our circumstances, so we lump all our struggles into the big basket of sin because it fits well with how miserable we already feel. The problem is it makes God feel far away and dangerous instead of a “very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).” It is easy and it feels right, but it costs us a lot in terms of hope.
We see in Zechariah a “gritty” example of what happens when we resist the urge to interpret life as God’s punishment. Zechariah was afraid to hope. For years he and Elizabeth held onto hope to the end of every monthly cycle, only to have their hope dashed with “not pregnant.” What suffering are you facing and what are the reminders that tempt you to fear or resent hope?
Zechariah acted on his hopelessness in sinful unbelief. Can you blame him? Because of this God disciplined Zechariah by making him mute (v. 20) and deaf (v. 22) for 9 months. How has your experience of suffering increased temptation for you?
Yet because Zechariah did not blame God for his suffering (based on Jewish beliefs he probably wrongly blamed himself) or label his suffering punishment, he could trust God during his discipline. This is really the key part of the battle for most of us. When you are going through hard times, do you consider whether your difficultly is sin or suffering?
Zechariah continued to live by faith. Where’s that? Zechariah was intimate with his wife; something often emotionally painful for a couple who longs for a child but has given up on hope. Zechariah and Elizabeth still had a vital role to play in the fulfillment of God’s promise. We also see his in that the Zechariah’s mouth was filled with praise when his tongue was loosed (v. 64). What daily tasks or seemingly “unspiritual” activities can you continue to do as an expression of trust in God and love for others?
We are not setting Zechariah up as the hero of this story. It is story of the coming Messiah and God graciously making His coming known. But Zechariah is an example of resisting the temptation to allow our suffering to distort our interpretation of life and God. It is by resisting temptation to interpret that we are able to see, participate, and rejoice in God’s activity around us.
As you reflect on this passage, I would encourage you to pay close attention to how you interpret hardships. If we call the consequences of sin suffering, then we become the perceived victim of our own sin and resent God for not comforting us. However, equally devastating is when we call suffering the consequences of sin, and perceive God’s condemnation when He offers His comfort.
Case Study: Martha was an empty nest single mom who had done the best she knew how and that time/energy had allowed. She looks back now with lots of regret as all four of her children are far from God and not looking to return. When they were in her home she stressed the importance of church, she often referenced Bible passages when she disciplined them, and always she prayed for each of them daily.
Todd is the wandering soul. He doesn’t know what he believes or what he wants. Occasionally he gets excited about some new hobby, job, relationship, or faith, but it never lasts long.
Amy is the child who is mired in depression. She is the one who spoke most about missing a father figure. Divorced and with a child of her own, Amy struggles to muster the energy to get to her minimum wage job. Child support (when it comes) and occasional assistance from Martha helps her “just get by.”
Doug is the child who got into drugs. Meth is his drug of choice. He stays high, doesn’t eat, and when Martha does see him it breaks her heart. Doug is rail thin with sunken eyes that reveal a soul as empty as Doug’s life really is.
Steve is the “successful child.” Steve saw his older siblings throw their life away and vowed not to repeat their mistakes. Steve went to college, got his degree, moved to the nearest major city, got a good job, and worked his way into several promotions in his brief time there. However, his obsession with work is already putting a strain on his marriage and Martha can see how much his kids miss their father. Steve occasionally tells Martha about a few of their marital arguments, but he can’t understand why his wife is upset when he’s “doing everything right.”
Martha thought she would get to rest when the kids all moved out. But babysitting, paying off debt, and the burden she carries for her children hardly let her rest. She knows she should pray for her kids, but a cynicism is growing within her because she has prayed for years and it hasn’t done any good. In her pain, she calls out to God, “Lord, give me the words to pray.”
Pre-Questions: This case study is meant to challenge you to think biblically about the real struggles of life. These questions will not be answered completely in the sections below. But they do represent the kind of struggles that are being wrestled with in Psalm 107. Use the question to both stir application and to give you new insight into the psalm.
If Martha was in your small group or Sunday School class, what would be effective ways you could ministry to her?
How would you respond when Martha expressed guilt and/or anger about the “train up a child” verse (Prov. 22:6)?
How would you help Martha discern the line between enabling her children and loving her children (or her grandchildren)?
How could you assist Martha as she struggles to not just give up hope?
Read Psalm 107 in your preferred Bible translation. The “rewrite” of Psalm 107 below is an attempt to capture the words that God would give Martha to pray (Romans 8:26-27). This would be something Martha would need to pray many times as she was burdened for her four children..
A re-write of Psalm 107
Martha Prays for Her Family: 1. Lord, You are good. I may struggle to see it, but if Your love was not trustworthy and unending I would be hopeless.
2. You have brought me through so many things as I raised my four children on my own. When we needed food, new tires for the car, or clothes for school some how You always provided. It is so easy to forget those times of faithfulness in the midst of the current hardships.
3. Right now we are scattered and need to be brought back to You and each other… again. We have gone to wandering, depression, drugs, and the American Dream. It feels like we have been scattered to the ends of the earth.
Martha Prays for Todd: 4. Todd wandered into wandering. He’s not connected, addicted, or committed to anything. There is nothing that guides his decision making and allows him to get anywhere.
5. He is starving to find something that gives meaning to life and gives direction to his choices. His heart has given up, checked out.
6. May Todd call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
7. Bring Todd back to the narrow way that leads to life, meaning, and satisfaction. Let him know what it means to live in a community of faith that cares for one another.
8. Bring Todd to the place where he can thank You for Your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace. Give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
9. Only You, Lord, can satisfy his search for meaning. His soul is hungry call him back to Yourself, the Bread of Life and Living Water.
Martha Prays for Amy: 10. Amy is in darkness and the shadow of depression is always covering her. She is a prisoner in her own sorrow, grief, self-pity, and shame. They weigh her down like shackles.
11. She listens to her pain and it drowns out any truth that comes to her ears. She refuses to hear instruction from Your Word because she believes it’s too hard, cliché, would work for someone better than her, or it just hurts too much to hope any more. If I mention the Bible, she just gets off the phone.
12. Bring her to the bottom of her pain and self-pity so she will look up to You. Remove from her life her friends who don’t want her to “do better” because then she would leave them behind. Those friends are not friends. Cause Amy to see how alone she is.
13. May Amy call to You in her troubles and be delivered from the mess she is making of his life.
14. Bring Amy out of the darkness and shadows. Break the emotional shackles that bind her.
15. When You do, let her see that it is (and only could be) You who freed her with your steadfast love, continual presence and ample grace. Give her a testimony of Your redemption that she can share with her friends and bring many to You.
16. For you are The Great Despair Buster. You are Hope! Life! and Peace! You are the Light that penetrates the darkness.
Martha Prays for Doug: 17. Doug is a fool because of his addiction and meth is his cruel master that causes his many pains.
18. He looks awful. He won’t eat. He’d rather be high, starve himself to death, and meet the destiny that awaits him.
19. May Doug call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
20. Send someone to Doug to speak truth to him that will penetrate his denial and lack of care. Wake him from his addiction and deliver Doug from the inevitable destruction it will bring.
21. When You do, let Doug see that Your steadfast love is stronger than the bonds of addiction; that Your continual presence is more comforting than the escape drugs provide; that Your ample grace is able to penetrate and remove the sting of guilt he fears when he gets sober. Give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
22. When Doug returns to You let him be as generous with life for Your glory as he was frivolous with his life for the temporary pleasure of drugs. Let him put the contrasts into words that he can share and point many to Your superior joy!
Martha Prays for Steve: 23. Steve has left for a better life. He is doing good business in the city. Steve is prospering in his job and getting the promotions he deserves.
24. Steve heeded the call of Your Word to work hard. He is reaping the benefits of following Your principles; by them You are raising him up.
25. Your Word is true and works whether those who are following it have genuinely surrendered their life to You or not.
26. But without You at the center of his life Steve cannot handle the success he has achieved. The more he has, does, and is, the more he gets in over his head. I can see when he realizes it; fear grips him. He is scared to death to be “a failure” like the rest of us.
27. He frantically pours himself back into his job, because he knows how to succeed there. But when his wife isn’t happy, the kids don’t appreciate him, and he has no peace, he doesn’t know what else to do.
28. May Steve call to You in his troubles and be delivered from the mess he is making of his life.
29. Let Steve see that You are the Peace that can calm the storm of his fear of failure. Let him come to grips that the Gospel calms the waves of a performance-driven, bottom-line existence.
30. Teach Steve to be content with a simpler life of worshipping You and loving his family. Bring him to that life You made him to live and for which he longs but cannot put into words.
31. When you do, let Steve see that “success” is merely resting in your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace. Out of that life-altering redefinition of success give him a testimony of Your redemption that he can share with his friends and bring many to You.
32. Since You have raised him up to a position of influence, let him use that influence to call Your people back to “success” as You define it. They will listen to him because they admire him. May many people see that what You have to offer is better than what the world has to offer because of the change you bring in Steve’s life.
Martha Prays through New Wisdom: 33. Lord, You turn success into failure (Steve); comfort into pain (Doug); suffering into misery (Amy); and meaning into folly (Todd).
34. All this you do because we seek to live independent from You. Nothing we want is what we think it will be without You.
35. Lord, it is also true that You turn failure into success with Your grace; pain into comfort and misery into bearable suffering with Your presence; and folly into meaning with Your balance of truth and love.
36. You are inviting Todd, Doug, Amy, and Steve to come dwell with You when they will repent and acknowledge it is You they have been looking for all their lives.
37. When they surrender to You, I know they will begin to live differently. As they surrender to You more and more they will sow wisdom and reap blessings by the truth of Your Word and the grace of Your care.
38. Everything I want to give them is in You. My fretting for them and enabling of them is as foolish and broken as their sins. Only you can bless them as I try to bless them. Remind me that I cannot care for them better than You currently are.
39. It pains me to pray that they will be broken more so that they can be made whole by You. I know You often work to change our hearts through suffering.
40. Like a proud prince must be reminded he is only human, You have to show them their “wisdom” is empty. They must taste of fear of being completely lost and without hope before they will call to You to find them.
41. But I also know that You, Lord, raise people out of that kind of despair and pain when they quit trying to do it for themselves. You are the Good Shepherd who will go looking for Your one lost sheep (or my four).
42. I see that now, and for now, my fear is less. Thank you for returning to me the joy of Your salvation. I can be quiet in Your presence again.
43. I know I will battle the foolish doubt of You again, but return me to You in prayer for these things again and again. It is only your steadfast love, continual presence, and ample grace that can comfort this mother’s heart.
Passages for Further Study: Judges (for an account of God dealing with His children as they wandered and returned many times); Matthew 23:37-39; 3 John 4
Post Questions: Now that you have read Psalm 107, examined how Martha might rewrite it for his situation, and studied several other passages, consider the following questions:
What do you learn from the repeated themes that arise in each sinful situation the “some” (v. 4, 10, 17, 23) find themselves in? What should we pray for everyone caught in sin?
What do you learn from the unique aspects that are prayed for each of the sinful situations? How does God present Himself uniquely to each of His children to draw them from their particular sin?
For what instances of regret or troubled friends/family do you need to re-write your own version of Psalm 107?
Effective Biblical Counseling can never be reduced to the question, “What does the Bible say about [topic]?” Both life and counseling require more than having the right answer to a question. Counseling (or Christian friendship that seeks to embody the “one another” commands of the New Testament) is when one person joins another on his/her journey to cultivate more of the fruit of the Spirit in his/her life by overcoming some life struggle.
What you find below should be considered the “map” for this journey. God’s Word helps us see both where we are (stuck in sin and/or suffering) and where we want to be. The Summit counseling ministry hopes you find both direction and encouragement for your journey in these passages.
This list is updated periodically.
Every sin is designed by Satan to enslave people in opposition to the true freedom in which God desires for us to live.
John 8:31-36, “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’ They answered him, ‘We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, “You will become free”?’ Jesus answered them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
1 Peter 5:6-11, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
2 Peter 2:19, “They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.”
We can live in bondage to any thing (good or bad) and thereby live an empty life of sadness.
Mark 10:21-22, “And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, ‘You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.’ Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.”
James 1:14-15, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
The Bible is vivid about the effects of addiction on an individual.
Proverbs 23:29-35, “Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who tarry long over wine; those who go to try mixed wine. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your heart utter perverse things. You will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea, like one who lies on the top of a mast. They struck me,” you will say, “but I was not hurt; they beat me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake? I must have another drink.”
Addiction is a form of idolatry. We make great sacrifices to/for our god (substance/activity). In the end we become as lifeless as our god.
Psalm 115:4-11, “Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths, but do not speak; eyes, but do not see. They have ears, but do not hear; noses, but do not smell. They have hands, but do not feel; feet, but do not walk; and they do not make a sound in their throat. Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them. O Israel, trust in the Lord! He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the Lord! He is their help and their shield. You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord! He is their help and their shield.”
There is hope to resist each moment of temptation you face.
1 Corinthians 10:13-14, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.”
Ultimately, addiction is a way we are trying to pursue life, hope, or relief outside of God.
Luke 9:23-25, “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’”
Other Passages to Study: The book of Judges for a description of continually getting clean and relapsing; Descriptions of a “fool” in Proverbs, 25:28; Ecclesiastes 7:18; Isaiah 1:5-7; Galatians 5: 16-26, 6:1-5; Ephesians 5:15-21; 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5
Other Topics to Consider: Character, Change Process, Codependency, Contentment, Guilt & Shame, Lying, Pornography
In many ways, it is clearer to counsel sin than suffering. The objective in counseling sin is obvious — stop it! But let us not mistake that for being easy, that would minimize the power of sin. But when counseling suffering the objective is not clear. Suffering is the revolting of life against the law of cause and effect. No longer does the principle of sowing and reaping apply. The theological definition of suffering is pain that is not caused by our sin.
It is also much easier to bridge from sin to the gospel than it is to bridge from suffering to the gospel. With sin the gospel calls us to repent and trust in the work of Christ on the cross. With suffering we have nothing to repent. We feel as powerless to change our suffering as we were to cause our suffering. This makes the suffering more intense and confusing.
With all of those challenges being noted, this presentation given at The Young Theologians Conference in Piedmont, South Carolina attempts to explore how the gospel prepares us to counsel suffering. It does so, not by delineating principles or action steps, but by unpacking the testimony of Psalm 102. Just before this presentation, a written testimony was read from a couple who were grieving the loss of their 23 year old son. The opening prayer acknowledges and responds to their testimony.
How can two people look at the same thing or event and come away with very different conclusions? Culturally, this is explained through a system of beliefs called “relativism” which states that only perspective (as opposed to real, objective truth) exists. This belief system is summed up in the phrase, “What may be right to you may not be so to me; who am I to judge?”
Ephesians points us in a different direction for answering this question. People come away with different conclusions because of the varying conditions of their hearts. Our beliefs, values, agenda, priorities, hopes, allegiances, pet peeves, and affections shape what we see. Christians believe in more than objective truth. Christians believe that our hearts must be in tune with God’s heart in order to perceive and respond to our world correctly.
Application: When you and a friend recall a given conversation or event differently consider how the “eyes of your heart” (beliefs, values, agenda, priorities, hopes, allegiances, pet peeves, and affections) shaped the difference. Try to step out of your perspective and vested interest to ask what God’s heart for that moment was. Until we begin to ask questions about the “eyes of heart” we will not know if they are blind.
We are called to hope. That seems like a simple statement, but (to be honest) it caught me off guard. It seemed much more natural to say we have been called as God’s children (relationship), to share the Gospel (mission), or to live holy lives (character). But it seemed a bit odd to think that we have been called to hope (disposition).
While I do not believe there is one ultimate personality – as if fully sanctified people will share the same sense of humor or risk-tolerance, it does seem that we are called to express our personalities (extrovert/introvert, optimist/pessimist, random/orderly, spender/saver) displaying a disposition of hope.
Reflection: This must mean that hope can come in many different “flavors.” Do you tend to think of hope as having one mode of expression? What about other virtues of disposition (humility, faith, love, courage, patience)? What do we lose when we assign these virtues to particular personality types or modes of expression? Use you imagination to consider what each virtue (especially hope) might look like when expressed by different types of people.
Any debate over what it means for a husband to be the head of his wife in Ephesians 5:23, should not begin until a study has been done of what it means for Christ to be the head of the church in Ephesians 1:22. The relationship of husband and wife are meant to mirror the relationship of Christ and the church. To start with husband and wife questions would be like learning about the Grand Canyon from a picture when you could take a tour by donkey back.
There is no way to answer the breadth of questions this subject creates and this goal here is not to debate skeptics. What can be offered is a process of reflection for the genuinely confused or those seeking a more complete understanding. Use the following questions to help you journey from Ephesians 1 (where Paul starts) to Ephesians 5.
How does Christ relate to the church in authority, compassion, guidance, allowing freedom/preference, sacrifice, patience, etc…?
What are other titles/metaphors/roles by which Christ relates to the church? How are these similar to, different from, or complementary with that of “head”?
How well does the church respond to Christ as her head?
How does Christ respond to the church in the midst of her struggles to submit?
What decisions do a husband and wife face where headship and submission are needed? In what situations should general obedience (actions, values, and disposition) to God’s Word make headship and submission largely irrelevant categories?
How should a husband relate to his wife in authority, compassion, guidance, allowing freedom/preference, sacrifice, patience, etc…?
What other titles/metaphors/roles does Scripture give for how a husband relates to his wife?
What should happen when a husband fails to be a Christ-like head? What should happen when a wife fails to respond in church-like submission?
What practical or theological questions remain for you about husband-wife relations?
As you continue in this study of Ephesians, pay careful attention to the relationship between Christ and the church to prepare you to accurately apply the marriage section.
