A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“If you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, ‘How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?’ The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with every one else’s pride (p. 122).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
I think it would be wrong to take from Lewis’ question that one should like being snubbed, ignored, or patronized. There is a healthy level of wanting to steward the voice, talents, and life God has given you that should make these experiences unpleasant to everyone.
Lewis’ question is based upon “how much” we dislike these experiences. Do we walk away disappointed that we did not get to serve in the ways God gifted us or do we replay the offense in our mind for the better part of a week? Do we mourn the immaturity of a companion who would patronize another, or do we internally rage that our “honor” was besmirched?
As I try to think through Lewis’ question, I believe it implies a preliminary question, “Do I have enough of a sense of God’s calling and gifting in my life that I crave to make an impact for God’s kingdom on the world around me?” If so, then I will be bothered when the sin or immaturity of others detracts from those opportunities.
However, if that sense of being bothered is “too much,” then it is a strong indication that the kingdom for which I am trying to make an impact is my own instead of God’s (i.e., pride).When I am advancing God’s kingdom, I realize that others being inconsiderate does little to stop the tides of redemptive history. Their actions are like a heckler at a NASCAR race telling the drivers they’re slow; annoying, but inconsequential in the outcome of the race.
So what should an appropriate level of “dislike” be? I think it should be in the range of disappointment—an emotion from which we learn, make minor modifications as possible, and move on. If I miss an opportunity to express God’s gifts because of the rudeness or ignorance of another, I think it is right (morally before God, not just “personal rights”) to be disappointed.
How should I respond to such a disappointment? Learn what I can about how to live more effectively in a broken world with my fellow fallen people. Exert whatever influence can still be beneficial in the original situation. Then move on expecting that God is still active and His purposes will not be thwarted by any human shenanigans.
But how do I recapture the opportunity that was lost? Answer: By responding in a way that makes God’s character known in light of the offense. Humility allows me to see that the opportunity to advance God’s kingdom was not taken away, but transformed. Pride is so committed to magnifying God in its strengths that it missed the opportunity to magnify God in its weakness.
So as I think through Lewis’ question and try to determine, “How bothered is so bothered that it is personal pride rather than godly mission?” The best answer I can create is that offense becomes pride when it distracts me from the next opportunity to serve God, especially with the one who offended me. It is pride that blinds me and humility that gives me eyes to see.
Posted 1 month, 1 week ago at 1:24 pm. Add a comment
Most people who are married have turned to their spouse and said, “You don’t act this way around anyone else” or “You don’t treat anyone else this way.” Occasionally it is meant as a compliment, but more often than not these statements are meant to infer, “I am getting a raw deal.” There are many explanations for this phenomenon, but in this post we will examine one explanation with two faces—the absence of humility.
Face One: Refusal to Live in My Weaknesses
Have you noticed that we spend the majority of our day operating in areas of specialized training, well-practiced skills, and personal interests? Then we come home. When we get home we are asked to do a wide variety of tasks, many of which we have no particular passion for or interest in. It is these tasks that we do to love and serve those we know best, while those we are least committed to get our fine tuned excellence.
The response we too often give is to draw back from, neglect, or grumble about these tasks that are not our strength. We may call it insecurity, but it is more often a form of pride. “If I cannot do it with excellence and receive affirmation, then I will not do it at all or with much effort,” is our logic. “I get to operate in my strength all day long and know how to succeed in that world. If I am not sure that I will be a success, then I will not try.”
It takes great humility and the heart of a servant to live in the area of my weakness for the love and welfare of another. When we are willing to live in our weakness for the benefit of others, God rewards this humility with more grace. This grace is realized when we resist the pride (“I should be good at whatever I do”) and take joy in imperfect (yet growing) service.
Face Two: Refusal to Accept My Spouse’s Weaknesses
There is humility in action. Then there is humility in expectation and evaluation. We move from the paralysis of fear rooted in an expectation of personal excellence to the mantra, “Haven’t I already told you that” or “How many times have you done that and still not gotten it right?”
The pride has mutated. The pride now says, “I would have been able to do that, so you should be able to do that.” Whereas before pride was holding me up to a level of elevated expectation, now pride raises my ability or expectation as the standard for you to meet. In both cases, the absent effort or harsh tone is rooted in “I should” or “I could” (pride).
Patience is rooted in humility. Patience accepts that imperfection, error, inefficiency, and incompleteness are not beneath me. That is humility. When we extend this form of humility to our spouse (and children) we are incarnating the grace of God. God rewards this dispositional obedience (yes, obedience to God can be as much attitude as activity) with more grace.
When we put these two faces of humility into practice we experience a home where the atmosphere is marked by the grace of God and we experience the redemptive joy God intended in a Christian marriage and family.
Posted 3 months, 2 weeks ago at 11:23 am. Add a comment
I frequently counsel couples who have a hard time starting difficult conversations. It is not always because they have a track record of doing these conversations poorly. Frequently, these couples (or at least one member of the couple) are just painfully adverse to conflict.
This post is going to assume that a couple has a decent history of resolving difficult conversations well once they are initiated.
The question becomes, “How do we overcome this obstacle so that emotions do not build, while we wrestle with whether to say something, to the point that potentially good conversations don’t go bad? How can we save ourselves the emotional turmoil of waiting even when the end product is a good conversation? How do we get started?”
What I will offer is a highly practical answer. There is a problem with highly practical answers. They come across as cookie-cutter solutions and cause people to believe the remedy is in following the recipe. Such solutions can also come across a bit cheesy and have a propensity to be relatively personality-dependant.
With all that said I will still offer a highly practical answer and simply ask that you not turn it into a rule to follow. Be creative with it. Make it your own. Find a way to express the principle in your personality and as fits your marriage.
Here is my proposal. Give your spouse paper on which to write his/her concern. At the top of the page write (in your own words):
If you have picked up this piece of paper,
then I want you to know I love you and want to hear you.
I pray regularly for you to have the courage to come to me when you are hurt,
and I pray I will listen well and hear your concerns.
I trust you to bring things to me you believe are important,
and want you to know they are important to me if they are to you.
Sign under your note, but leave the rest of the page blank for your spouse to write his/her concerns. Once this piece of paper is received the spouse would know it is a time to listen well and would be less likely to interpret the subject as an attack or treat the subject as trivial.
Now you might say, “That is helpful, but where is the Bible or the Gospel in this type of exercise?” That would be a very good and worthwhile question. I believe in this type of exchange the first spouse is to love his/her spouse as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25).
This is a model of the invitation God gives to all his people in prayer. We have an open invitation to come to Him with any concern at any time with no fear of being turned away or dismissed. Too often we miss the fact that communication in marriage should resemble (be modeled after) prayer. We often say that prayer is simply “talking with God” but we fail to learn from this connection when it comes to communication in the relationship that our prayer life is to exemplify.
Posted 6 months, 1 week ago at 12:29 pm. Add a comment
This series of blogs comes from FAQ’s from the guys in Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry. They represent a conglomeration of questions from many different husbands-to-be during the Engaged Discovery Weekend. If you are interested in serving as a marriage mentor or are engaged, click here to learn more about Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry.
QUESTION 1: How do you transition from “sex is wrong” to “sex is right”? How do we move from shame into freedom? How do you transfer from guilt associated with sex to pleasure with sex?
Click here to read my reply to Question 1.
QUESTION 2: How do I keep my thought-life pure leading up to the honeymoon? What about masturbation—is it sinful? How do you navigate from the sin of lusting for your fiancé to the lusting of your spouse (or is that a sin)? How does attraction change when you get married and begin having sex?
Click here to read my reply to Question 2.
QUESTION 3: If sex is painful for my wife, how do I help her through it? How can I practically serve, respect and honor my wife on the first night?
Click here to read my reply to Question 3.
QUESTION 4: What’s a good way to honor my wife in sex? What common things are dishonorable?
Click here to read my reply to Question 4.
QUESTION 5: Are men supposed to “lead” in sex as in other parts of the relationship? Is there an appropriate balance for initiating intimacy?
Click here to read my reply to Question 5.
QUESTION 6: How do you overcome expectations you have from past sexual experiences?
Click here to read my reply to Question 6.
QUESTION 7: How long is reasonable for my fiancé to get over my sexual past?
Click here to read my reply to Question 7.
QUESTION 8: How do we control the carnal nature of ourselves and replace it with selfless love that the Bible teaches with regards to sex in marriage?
Click here to read my reply to Question 8.
QUESTION 9: What’s a way to handle one of us saying no to sex? How do you deal with times when you want sex and the other doesn’t? What do you do if you are not having your physical needs met? When the other person is not in the mood and you are – how do you deal with that?
Click here to read my reply to Question 9.
QUESTION 10: How do you ensure you and your spouse are having “enough” sex given a hectic and busy weekly schedule? How “intentional” do you find yourself having to be to have a “good” sex life? Are encounters scheduled a la date nights? What is the best way to maintain passion within sex as your marriage progresses?
Click here to read my reply to Question 10.
Posted 7 months ago at 12:27 pm. Add a comment
This is not a blog post that endorses the politically correct version of children’s sports. Regardless of how many times I tried to tell my son we were just playing t-ball for fun, he still wanted to know “who won?” after every game. But if I don’t depart from this introduction, I will wind up on my soap box.
This is a blog about a fatal flaw in an approach to motivating your spouse in marriage. Too often we resort to keeping score: how many times we had sex this month, how many more chores I do than you do, how many times we’ve gone on a date recently, how many times you’ve said “I love you” lately, or how few letters you’ve written me.
Marital neglect is a serious issue (not addressed here), but this motivational structure is used in marriages that are far from significant neglect. In this post, I would like to point out one major reason (there are many others) why this approach does not work.
That reason is our self-centeredness (do not read this as selfishness). We experience life from within our own body and consciousness. I am aware of everything I do and all the time, energy, and thought I put into those activities. I notice every unseen thing I do for my wife. I hear every unspoken fond thought I think about my wife.
Simply put, I score a lot of points my wife never knows I score. You can ask the deep philosophical questions “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” or “If a husband loves his wife in imperceptible ways, does it count?” if you like. But the point is, on MY scoreboard I should be winning. If I’m not winning on my scoreboard, then I am REALLY losing.
But my self-centeredness disrupts the process even further. When I am doing all of my perceptible and imperceptible nice things, I am generally in a good mood which positively influences my memory. However, when I am comparing my score with my wife’s (only perceptible to the degree that I am paying attention) score, I can often be in a disappointed mood which negatively influences my memory. Again, advantage me!
But there is more to my self-centeredness. In the midst of the already inequitable system, I will give more emotional credit to the things I like best. Personally, that means that a creative meal gets more points than an organized kitchen and a kiss-like-you-mean-it gets more points than my lunch being fixed every day.
There is a name for that – arbitrary, unequal scales. These things are merely my personal preference. Do I want my wife to understand my preferences and display love by putting forth effort at the things that are important to me? Sure. Do I have the right to grade my wife, her effort, and our marriage based upon a system that is defined exclusively by my preferences? Not really.
So what is the point of this little rant? The point is that we should be humble as we recognize how self-centeredly we experience and evaluate life. It is not an attack on personal preferences. It is merely a warning against allowing our preferences to become the definition of love. If we do this we will create such a “home field advantage” in our marriage that it will be difficult for us to ever experience contentment with our spouse.
Posted 7 months, 1 week ago at 12:20 pm. Add a comment
This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Ambition” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday June 4-5, 2011.
It is so easy to get caught in the habit of thinking that a virtue only has one opposite. What is the opposite of love? Hate. What is the opposite of peace? War. These are the natural and right answers, although incomplete.
The opposite of love is also apathy. The opposite of peace is also denial. Not caring is as alien to love as wanting to do great harm. Pretending things are okay when they are not is as foreign to peace as picking a fight.
We have a habit of only thinking of the aggressive distortions of a virtue (hate or war) and overlooking the passive distortions (apathy or denial). This may be because we were influenced by the movie Bambi more than we realized. Remember Thumper’s mother’s advice, “If you cannot say something nice do not say anything at all.” Too often we live as if God said that and applied it to every virtue of life.
This is as true of ambition as it is of any other virtue. We naturally think of the aggressive distortions of ambition – selfishness, pride, exploitation, neglecting family, etc… We call these sins (rightfully) and condemn those who practice them (too often self-righteously).
Yet we often turn a blind eye to the passive distortions of ambition – fear of failure, purposelessness, low self-esteem, laziness, lack of faith, insecurity, discontentment, etc… We call these personality flaws (mislabeling them) and treat them as if they only need to be more understood and accepted (offering false comfort; Jer. 6:14).
The aggressive and passive distortions of any virtue are equally wrong. Both 5 and -5 are equally distant from 0. Their consequences may be different. But they each equally misrepresent the character of God.
The answer for both is the same learning godly ambition through the Gospel.
Aggressive distortions of godly ambition need to die to self. These distortions serve self through consuming others for the purpose of advancing their own kingdom. Their forms of control are also aggressive as they use power, influence, and money to manipulate others to advance their agenda. They are convinced they are right or have the right to act as they do.
Passive distortions of godly ambition need to die to self. These distortions serve self through protecting self for the purpose of not risking their own kingdom. Their forms of control are passive aggressive as they use guilt, inactivity, or dependency to manipulate others to advance their agenda. They would never admit they are manipulating anyone and would continue their self-protection by how offended they feel at hearing such a suggestion.
It is only the Gospel that allows us to live for a kingdom other than self. We realize that neither the advancement nor the protection of our kingdom will ever really satisfy our souls. We were made for something bigger than self (a thought at the very core of godly ambition).
We begin to consider how our talents, abilities, relationships, possessions, education, and time can be leveraged for the advancement of God’s kingdom. Our creativity is freed from fear (the root of the passive distortions of ambition) because the most precious thing we have is the endless gift of the Gospel. There is no risk with what you cannot lose.
Our end product is freed from self-centeredness (the root of aggressive distortions of ambition) because our mission is captured in the theme “He must increase, but I decrease (John 3:30).” We realize that we were blessed in order than we might be a blessing to others (Gen 12:2).
In the end, we find the joy that can drive our souls for eternity without chewing up the things we love most (spouse and children) and blesses those that God is especially fond of (the homeless, orphans, prisoners, unwed mothers, high school drop outs, etc…, cf James 2:26-27). Now our ambition drives those we love towards God through our example and draws those God loves to Him through our service and generosity. We will, then, do great things by God’s grace as our ambition become what God intended it to be all along.
Posted 8 months ago at 11:22 am. Add a comment
This expanded re-post was also posted at the blog for the Biblical Counseling Coalition.
Different struggles have different characteristic traits. Anger comes with a sense of urgency. When anger goes bad, it is usually trying to correct too much too quickly. In the process, this pace and intensity of the change does as much or more damage than the wrong which triggered the anger. Think of a few classic examples.
Three Examples
A teenager back talks his/her parent. The parent is incensed with the disrespect and wants to put an end to it immediately. The result is smacking the teenager across the face.
A husband and wife are in an argument. One person is unable to follow what the other person says. The response to having to repeat what was already said is a derogatory slam for being “too stupid to follow a conversation… no wonder we can’t get along when this is who I have to talk to.”
A boss is feeling pressure at work, because last quarter’s numbers were low. Everyone knows it’s the economy, but no one knows how long it could take for that to turn around. So, instead, a tone of criticism and sarcasm fills the work environment in the name of “motivation.”
These brief snippets may share many things in common, but the point being illustrated is that they reveal the “rushed” nature of anger and that sinful anger does more damage than what triggers it. We think we are agents of peace and righteousness, but we are spreading dissension and dishonor.
Three Examples Revisited
A parent should correct disrespect, but “putting a child in their place” with random, sniper-esque violence does nothing to teach respect. The teenager grows to covet the power to treat people how you like and blame them if they don’t like your lack of self-control. Come to think of it, that is probably what started the argument in the first place.
It is reasonable for a spouse to expect to be understood. But when the ability to follow a conversation becomes the measure of whether you deserve the basics of mutual honor, then the foundations of trust and security have been eroded. Now fear and resentment will impede the ability to listen in future conversations and anger will escalate because, “You ‘never’ understand what I say.”
A boss does provide income for his/her employees by motivating them to perform at a level which consistently earns a profit for the company. But the residual impact of a negative environment and unrealistic expectations makes the term “success” a cruel fairy tale.
One Implication
So what’s the point? Consider this one take away (but feel free to brainstorm others). Godly anger recognizes the pace at which change can take place. Out of grace-filled, realistic love for the person, godly anger looks to influence change in a way that does not destroy or demean the person experiencing the change. Godly anger always wants redemption more than destruction.
The cliché application of this point is to “count to 10.” But if you don’t know why you’re counting to ten, then your tongue will just be 10 times sharper when you finally do speak. We pause because we want to accurately represent our God. We recognize the greatest offense is not the wrong we are responding to, but a willful misrepresentation of God in the name of righteousness.
Consider this picture of God’s response to injustice.
Exodus 34:6-7, “The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation (emphasis added).”
It might be better to memorize this passage and repeat it to yourself instead of counting. As you repeat it to yourself, add the following brief prayer, “Lord, I am tempted to be rushed to anger. Help me represent you in both mercy and justice, in what I say and what I don’t say. If I must choose between sin and silence give me the grace to choose silence until I can honor You.”
Three Examples Revised
Now the parent realizes fire should not be fought with fire. Dominance does not defeat disrespect; it makes dominance more attractive and increases the desire to attain it. The parent realizes the short cut of aggression is a lie like the short cuts offered to Jesus (Matt. 4:1-11). The parent would need to respond with strength marked by “power and love and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7).” But until such words and actions are found, representing God must be valued more than guarding personal respect.
With this in mind, the spouse realizes the pride and self-centeredness of his/her desire for efficiency and condemning words. Creating an environment where it is safe to misunderstand is essential to being consistently understood. But until the pace of his/her expectations slow down, this will seem like a foolish contradiction (1 Cor. 1:20-25).
Our boss can now realize that prolonged motivation by fear inevitably degenerates into despair. Fear is an effective motivator, but not one that our souls were made to perpetually endure. Like duct tape, fear fixes things, but only for a short time. Truth spoken in love (“Without increased production not all of us will keep our jobs”) can then be allowed to sustain what negativity always drove in the ground.
Join the Conversation
- What other applications would you draw to help counter the rushed nature of anger?
- As you consider your applications, reflect both on the situational (“in the moment”) and lifestyle changes that are necessary to combat this dynamic of sinful anger.
- How do we protect and foster the good qualities associated with anger’s strong call to action?
Posted 8 months, 2 weeks ago at 12:44 pm. 1 comment
This series of blogs comes from FAQ’s from the guys in Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry. They represent a conglomeration of questions from many different husbands-to-be during the Engaged Discovery Weekend. If you are interested in serving as a marriage mentor or are engaged, click here to learn more about Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry.
What’s a good way to honor my wife in sex? What common things are dishonorable?
There is a common saying that “sex starts in the kitchen.” The principle behind this statement applies this question as well. Honoring your wife during sex has a lot to do with whether you are honoring her before and after sex. The seven points are not exclusive to the time of intercourse.
1. Crude language – Referring to sex, body parts, or fore play in language that is vulgar is a way to dishonor your wife. Demanding that your wife use this language because you find it stimulating magnifies this dishonor. The question becomes, “What is vulgar?” For starters you should include any curse words, most of what you’ve heard in a locker room, and anything you learned from watching porn. Beyond this, anything your wife finds to be offensive. The general principle for our speech in Ephesians 4:29 applies to talking about sex with your spouse. The goal is to build up the other person and to give grace to the specific audience. You should seek to find a variety of ways to speak of sex that makes your wife feel affirmed, safe, and honored. This may vary from couple to couple.
2. Not understanding the affects of conflict – In general, men can recover from conflict to being ready for sex faster than women. For men, sex can often be the key indicator that “everything is okay, so let’s have sex so I can know this conflict is behind us.” Frequently, men try to initiate sex before their wife has recovered from a disagreement and then feel rejected which leads to the next conflict and extends the problem. “Now all you care about is sex. Why would I want to make love to someone like that?” Part of leading your family is to ensure that conflict has been resolved before trying to cover the issue up with a pleasurable distraction.
3. Not understanding the connection between sex and romance – Often men can mistake sex for romance. That is like mistaking the vacation with the road trip you travel to get there… and, yes, getting there should be half the fun. Over the course of a lifetime (and that is the perspective you should have on marriage and sex), if you allow sex to be a stand alone event of affection and affirmation it will wither into a briefer and briefer form of recreation that is increasingly less satisfying for both of you. This is not just a “woman thing.” Most men who have a relational affair say of their mistress “we just had so much more spark, energy, and affection in sex.” That is because the “forbidden period” in the growth of an affair forces a time period of romance that marriage does not have unless you are intentional about it. Implication: never dishonor your wife by ceasing to romance her.
4. Keeping sex stats – “We have only had sex one time this week. I thought if I did that extra work in the yard, you’d pay me back with a little action (see #1).” These kinds of measurements and bargains for sex are dishonoring and, therefore, ineffective. You should avoid them because they are dishonoring, not just because their ineffective. The point is not that frequency is unimportant, but that it is not the best measure of a good sex life. The more you place an emphasis on frequency in conflict, the more it distracts both of you from the things that would make sex enjoyable and, therefore, more frequent. It is better to ask open ended evaluative questions such as, “Are there ways we need to manage our time and schedule better to allow more time for each other romantically? Do I love you in ways that foster your desire to be with me intimately? Are there pressures you’re facing that distract you from being able to enjoy or think about intimacy?” This is Matthew 7:3-5 applied to marital conversations about sex.
5. Demanding sexual actions that feel demeaning – The principle from Ephesians 4:29 applies here as well. Pornography has introduced a variety of sexual actions performed by professional sex athletes into our social consciousness. Demanding a sexual activity that your wife is not or not yet comfortable with is dishonoring and eats away at the trust essential to a healthy sex life. It is good for a couple to “try new things” but you should be patient if your wife is cautious about this. A good book to help cultivate honoring variety is The Celebration of Sex by Doug Rosenau.
6. Demanding apparel that makes her feel uncomfortable – Sex is most enjoyable when your wife feels sexy. If your desire to see her in certain types of lingerie makes her feel self-conscious, then whatever additional arousal you experience will be at the expense of the mutual sexual satisfaction. If you demand that she wear things she is uncomfortable in, you begin to deliver the message that you don’t want to be with her sexually, but that you want her to be with the kind of woman who would wear what you like. Part of growing in love for your wife is to find appealing those things she feels attractive in so that she is affirmed and feels freer during foreplay and intercourse.
7. Bad initiation of sex – Pinching your wife on the butt and raising your eye brows is bad initiation. This is where finding affirming language to speak about sex is particularly important. You might ask if your wife is interested in a “date” or “rendezvous.” You might light a special candle in the bedroom or play a song you know she likes to alert her to your interest. Giving forethought to how you initiate and how she will receive that initiation is an important part of honoring your wife during sex.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:32 pm. Add a comment
A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
“There is a difference between doing some particular just or temperate action and being a just or temperate man. Someone who is not a good tennis player may now and then make a good shot. What you mean by a good player is a man whose eye and muscles and nerves have been so trained by making innumerable good shots that they can now be relied on… In the same way a man who perseveres in doing just actions gets in the end a certain quality of character (p. 79-80).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Have you ever known one of those people who loves to tell you about their great sports achievements in high school (or little league)? I’ll refrain from asking if you have ever been that person. Usually in the midst of an argument or after a significant failure we can become that person morally. We begin to want to talk about the really nice, sacrificial, gracious, and benevolent things we’ve done.
The most dangerous part of those conversations is not the pride or self-righteousness that is present (and they are present). The most dangerous thing is how we are beginning to think about “being good.” Suddenly, our righteousness has become the “once for all” achievement that transcends circumstances and trumps any failure.
Instead, it should be Christ’s righteousness that comes to mind when we fail. Christ’s righteousness is “once for all” achievement that transcends our circumstances and trumps our failures. But we do not access Christ’s righteousness by recounting our closest attempts at emulating it. We access Christ’s righteousness by humbly acknowledging when/how we fall short of it and our perpetual need for it.
The “skill” of Christian morality is not competitive (like tennis). It is not that there are certain actions, responses, concepts, skills, or verbiage that is mastered in order to make you “great.” Actually, that whole mindset is the antithesis of Christian morality and the Christian faith.
The “skill” of Christian morality is simply seeing how much I come short of Jesus (which implies having an accurate understanding of Jesus) and being consistently willing to acknowledge that short coming while continuing to love others without shame.
Too often we do not see, we do not acknowledge, we do not love, or, if we do all three, we shrink back in shame. Stated this way we see how hard it is to be “good;” not primarily because of a skill deficiency (to see, acknowledge, and love is not that complex) but because of a will deficiency.
I do not want to see how often I come short of Jesus (even though it is clear). I do not want to acknowledge when I have fallen short (even though I know it is the best way to restore peace). I do not want to continue to love others after I have fallen short (even though I know to do otherwise is to compound my failure). My lack of desire only serves to fuel my shame (and defensiveness) after I failed.
With this in mind, we can now understand why reciting our moral achievements does nothing to help us be an agent of peace in an argument or to assuage our guilt after a failure. We have become like a golfer who is offended by a negative score (being “under par” is a very good thing… my fellow non-golfers might not know that).
Our strength (the training of our eyes, muscles, and nerves as Lewis would say) is in the promptness with which we acknowledge our need for Christ and the Gospel. This allows us to begin recalling His greatness during our failures and become agents of peace in our relationships.
Posted 9 months ago at 12:27 pm. Add a comment
This series of blogs comes from FAQ’s from the guys in Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry. They represent a conglomeration of questions from many different husbands-to-be during the Engaged Discovery Weekend. If you are interested in serving as a marriage mentor or are engaged, click here to learn more about Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry.
What’s a way to handle one of us saying no to sex? How do you deal with times when you want sex and the other doesn’t? What do you do if you are not having your physical needs met? When the other person is not in the mood and you are – how do you deal with that?
We can begin to answer these questions by saying, “Expect it to happen.” If you read this question with the sense that this is a marital emergency and this post better “fix your spouse,” then chances are you have a bigger problem with sexual idolatry than sexual infrequency. Not every sexual urge will be fulfilled in marriage; no more than every urge for chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream is fulfilled.
If you are shocked or offended by this, then your expectations are unrealistic. But the question is important, because as the adage says, “Sex won’t make a marriage, but it can break one.” How a couple handles disappointment (sexual or otherwise) is one of the primary indicators of the health of their marriage.
In order to proceed well, we will have to address the subject of “need.” So much teaching on marriage focuses on “meeting each other’s needs.” Frequently, it drives couples to begin to emotionally live off of one another for their sense of security and identity in a way that makes God practically irrelevant to a good marriage. In effect, God is only there to meet your needs when you cannot convince your spouse to do so.
This need-language creates a trap. Both spouses can look at areas where their “needs” are not being met (that is what it means to be married to a sinner in a world of limited time and resources). The banter inevitably begins, “How can I meet your need for _____ when you don’t meet my need for _____.” This is a verbal formula that makes any disappointment (sexual or otherwise) relationally toxic. Suddenly the marriage becomes mired in score keeping and everyone has a reason to blame the other person.
At this point, the focal point of the marriage has become on “getting” not “giving.” The Gospel has left the home, and everything is about fairness, rights, and equality. When the Bible is mentioned, it is a tool of guilt, manipulation, or demand. No longer is it used as a book of grace and life. The whole Bible (and marriage) becomes about submission, your body belongs to me, if we’re not praying we should be having sex, and it is not good for man to be alone.
The whole time we are making it harder to come close to one another in a way that makes sex satisfying and something we would want to do frequently. The question that has been lost (and must be regained in content and tone) is: Does our marriage foster an environment where we joyfully sacrifice for the pleasure of our spouse in all things? If the answer is yes, we can navigate the differing timing of sexual urges with grace and unity.
To answer the practical side of the question, I’ll lay out a five step process by which you can evaluate how healthy conversations about declining a sexual invitation should go. As you read, this should serve as a “map” to help you see where your conversations may get “off track.” This progression assumes the decline is not based on verbal/physical abuse or medical reasons.
1. Recognize that sex is good but not ultimate. This is the danger of the word “need.” It makes whatever we designate as a need a matter of relational survival. The interaction about this need begins to overpower each moment when it is discussed.
2. Initiate in a way that gives honor (see blog posts for questions 4 and 5). Sex should not be presumed even within marriage. Initiating sex is an invitation not a demand, otherwise it becomes a functional ultimatum – have sex with me or be punished. Thoughts towards sex being mutually enjoyable (timing and tact) should be evident in every initiation of sex.
3. Decline only with reason and with grace. A married couple does belong to one another (I Cor. 7:3-4). The desire for marital sex is a good thing. Unless there is a reason not to engage your spouse’s desire, it is good to accept. If there is a reason, then the initiation should be received as a compliment of affection (per #2 above) and declined graciously.
4. Receive decline without pouting or punishing. A passive aggressive or angry response to a decline sets the wheels in motion for a sexual spiral. If you’re thinking, “Who cares, I’m never going to have sex anyway,” then you likely need to return to #1 above.
5. Reciprocate initiation within 24-48 hours. If the spouse declines, then he/she should seek to be the initiator of sex within a prompt time frame. This prevents a cycle of begging and rejection from emerging within the marriage and is a way to honor the desire that your spouse has for you.
Posted 9 months, 1 week ago at 8:35 pm. Add a comment
