Anger is usually prompted by some offense (real or perceived). If we are going to do anger well, then we must learn to forgive well. This post is “Appendix A” from the upcoming Overcoming Anger seminar (information below) and looks at how anger often hijacks forgiveness.
Forgiveness is never simple or straight-forward because it always involves both sin and sinners. Worse yet, it always involves a sinner who has sinned against another sinner.
Usually in the post-sin, pre-confession stage of the process there is some clear role definition. One person is the offender. The other person is the offended. I acknowledge that we are all sinners, but for repentance and forgiveness to occur, these roles must be defined even if they are alternated.
During this post-sin, pre-confession there is usually some delay of time when the offending party(s) is trying to decide if they are going to repent. They replay the events looking for a way to justify their actions. Maybe they weigh out whether their actions were “wrong enough” to warrant an apology. But in order to enter “the forgiveness trap” the offending party must come to the person they offended in repentance.
Eventually they come to the person they offended and say, “I was wrong for doing what I did. Will you forgive me?” The trap has been set. But wait a minute. You’re thinking, “What is wrong with that?” Nothing. That is exactly what should happen. I am not saying that the trap is manipulative or intentional.
So what is the trap? The trap is an immediate role reversal in which if the offended person does not promptly reply with absolute forgiveness, the sinner versus saint roles are reversed. The white hat and the black hat switch heads. Oftentimes a hesitancy in forgiveness is perceived (or even declared) to be a greater sin than the original offense and the offended person is not even given the same period of time to forgive that the offending person took to repent.
I am not saying this is what should happen, but it’s often what does happen. Sometimes, it is an innocent misapplication of biblical teaching on forgiveness. Other times, it is manipulative form of repentant-revenge.
I am not saying that forgiveness is optional. Even if the offending person does not repent, forgiveness is commanded as an authentic expression of our appreciation for Christ’s forgiveness of us (Eph. 4:32). To fail to do so angers God greatly (Matt 18:15-35).
But too often, “the trap” assumes this must be done immediately and that full trust must be restored upon forgiveness. We must remember that while God can command forgiveness, the offending person cannot. The offending person requests forgiveness, recognizing forgiveness is an act of grace. To demand forgiveness and use Scripture to pressure forgiveness is a sign that the “repenting” person does not understand what he/she is asking.
As a general guide line, I advise a repenting person to wait at least as long as it took them to repent before they mention the offended person’s obligation to forgive. In cases of traumatic offenses or painful betrayals it may be wise to wait longer. If not, it falls into the “now I’m the good guy and you’re the bad guy… God’s on my team” trap.
It should also be noted that the restoration of trust and forgiveness are two distinct but related things. One can “cancel a debt” without being eager to “give more credit.” Attacking someone with their fault is a sign of unforgiveness, but a hesitancy to potentially place one’s self in harms-way again is not. If these two things are treated as the same thing, they create another “forgiveness trap.”
If this post was beneficial for you, then considering reading other blogs from my “Favorite Posts on Forgiveness” post which address other facets of this subject.