How do you feel as we get ready to talk about sex? Nervous, excited, guilty, awkward, self-conscious, aroused, or tired of me asking question and ready to get the conversation started? Surprising to many people, the first step towards a great sex life is the ability to talk about sex. Sex is a “team sport” and communication is essential to anything involving the synchronization of two people’s bodily movements (not to mention schedules and emotions).
For many couples the most beneficial thing they will gain from this chapter and the next will be a conversation guide. Hopefully, the content will be informative and stimulating, but what they really need most-first is a series of positively-framed prompts to have some awkward but exciting conversations they may only try to have when one of them thinks “the moment is right” and the other is not so sure.
But even when there is agreement on the frequency and initiation of sex, communication is paramount to a healthy and thriving sex life. Talking about sex should not just be educational (i.e., learning what your spouse does and does not enjoy), but also arousing (i.e., part of the foreplay and building of a healthy sexual tension between husband and wife which adds to the climax of intercourse).
“Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires (p. 16)… Great sex is based on mature lovers who can be honest with themselves and with their mates. They are self-aware and assertively communicate (p. 17).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex
Pause for a moment. Do not read the next paragraph before writing your answer to the following question. What are the three sexiest, most stimulating organs of the human body?
- ____________________ 2. _____________________ 3. ____________________
If you grasp the significance of the answers to this question, it will revolutionize how you understand sex. The quality and, probably, the quantity of your sex life will increase dramatically. Your ability to be creative during love making, avoid the ruts of ho-hum routine sex, and ability to build a wholesome anticipation for your spouse will grow.
- Your Brain. Without imagination sex becomes one more thrill ride that progressively loses its impact the more you do it. If we wait until the first kiss to think about sex, it probably won’t be that fulfilling. Positive anticipation of sex may be the best “technique” for keeping life in your marital sex life.
- Your Skin. When the “touching” and attention in sex is reduced to breasts, butt, penis, and vagina those four notes don’t make a rockin’ sex life; especially for women, whose biological arousal system is not as immediate as men’s. But for both genders the positive sexual tension that is built through taking the time to stimulate through touch is important for a maximally and mutually satisfying climax.
- Your Ears. Sex is the celebration of a shared life; not merely a few minutes of cardiovascular recreation. Listening to each other is a huge part of knowing what you’re celebrating through sex. Sex without listening is like throwing a birthday party for a deceased relative. There may be cake and balloons, but you leave with a feeling that something was missing.
We want to approach this chapter like a healthy married sex life; not rushing to the conclusion, allowing time for exploration, but with a few “quickie” points interspersed throughout. That means in these two chapters “getting to the end” is not your objective, but instead your goal is conversation about what you’re reading.
“Many loving couples never talk about sex together. This is sad, because effective communication is at the heart of falling deeper in love in creating a truly passionate marriage. It isn’t easy to create a comfortable sexual vocabulary or develop the ability to dialogue about lovemaking… Lack of sexual communication can be disabling, though… It robs them of the great aphrodisiac because talking is very sexy (p. 86).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex
This chapter will flow into the next chapter. In this chapter we will discuss sex from anticipation to non-erogenous touching. In the final chapter we’ll discuss sex from erogenous touching through afterglow. No couple will follow every recommendation in every sexual encounter, but if one of these recommendation is consistently neglected it would negatively impact a couple’s sex life.
Here is the evaluation from this section of the upcoming GCM: Intimacy seminar to help you assess this aspect of your marriage: GCM_Intimacy_Eval_Sex